WHAT I'M READING V. 28

Elon Musk: Tesla, SpaceX, and the Quest for a fantastic future | By Ashlee Vance

I spotted my manager with this book one day and asked her about it. She said it was a great journalistic insight into a  remarkable man who has achieved so much over his life. I was intrigued and put it on my holds list at the library. It's a long book, but it truly was a fascinating read.  I only knew the headline version of who Elon Musk is, but this writer was able to get in-depth interviews with Elon Musk, his family, and the people who work with him, to explain who he is in a thorough and interesting way.  He was able to master difficult physics concepts within business plans, and he had this unique ability to perceive a path from scientific advancement directly into a for-profit enterprise. People like Elon Musk who are not only smart and passionate, but also driven and have the ability to execute their vision, are inspiring for me. It also reminds me again that if you are going to be that successful, that there may be touch of eccentricity, and that often things like family are sacrificed for the sake of achieving these goals.  You have to have a sort of obsession to accomplish the things that he has, and the world has seen amazing things because of his obsession.

Mere Motherhood: Morning Times, Nursery Rhymes, & My Journey Toward Sanctification | By Cindy Rollins

I read this entire book while I was away at the Ladies Weekend a month ago. I asked my friend Laura if she could bring her copy for me to read, and I gobbled up the whole thing over a few sittings.  Cindy Rollins is a homeschooler (she has nine kids!) who I have heard often on the Circe Network through the Mason Jar podcast, talking about the Charlotte Mason homeschool method. This was her very candid account of how she first learned of homeschooling and her experiences through raising her children in this way. I found several parts to be humorous; she doesn't spare herself the embarrassing details and there was much in there that I found helpful and encouraging. I'm not a homeschooling mom, but I embrace the intentionality of the homeschool mindset, the belief that education of a child is found in every aspect of our lives, and especially the part about inspiring children through reading. An extra bonus was that when I finished this book, I was able to talk about it with friends who had also read this book and were away with me at the Ladies Weekend!

Run by Ann Patchett

It is beautifully written - no surprise there - but the story didn't ring true for me like her stories usually do. The characters seemed more like caricatures or a symbolic representation, and not like real people. It was almost distracting, because I kept wondering what she was up to, rather than being swept along by the emotions and turns of the story. If you love Ann Patchett, it's worth reading to observe more of her writing style and ability, but if you don't care either way, I wouldn't recommend this one.

Finding God in the Waves: How I Lost My Faith and Found it Again through Science | By Mike McHargue

I first heard about this book from The Liturgist Podcast. Mike McHague, also known as Science Mike, is one of the hosts of that podcast and when he mentioned this book, I got the waiting list for it months ago.  I really appreciated the honest way he lays out his story, including all the questions, insecurities, and self-doubt he had, along with his God-doubt. There were some parts in the latter half of the book where he describes where he has currently landed with his faith that had me scratching my head a little bit, but the way he presented the whole of his faith journey - the ugly along with the good - that I think is valuable for anyone who has struggled with their faith (which I think should be everyone at some point in their lives).  Since I have heard several episodes of The Liturgist Podcast, there wasn't anything new or surprising, but I enjoyed hearing him have the time and space to tell the whole of his story in this format.

A FRIDAY AFTER WORK

I'm going to be honest. It's been hard these days to feel like I'm doing a good job of being a working mom. It's a lot of things, but mostly it is that my heart and mind are constantly with the kids due to all these changes, and I want large chunks of time to establish family rhythm together without the rush of school and work.

I do want to work, I need to work because of my student loans, and luckily I do like working, but when you have young kids - even if you really like working - you are constantly assessing the effect of time away from your kids. I have been a full-time working mom for five years now, and I can attest that some seasons are better than others. This season here now feels a little harder because of the transitions.  I recently read a great blog post by a mom (who homeschools) about her daily rhythm, and while it was helpful, it also made me feel envious of all that time they have that is all of their own.  I know that homeschooling life comes with a whole set of other challenges that are different, and usually I am grateful for the challenges that are my own, but these days that grass looks greener and shinier.  I took a stab at writing down what our family's weekdays look like and came up with this:

6:00 AM | MORNING

On the weekdays, the alarm is set for 6:00 AM. On a good day, I actually wake up at 6:00. On other days, I wake up at 6:15. Ideally, I would wake up an hour earlier. Some days, the girls pad into our room and climb into bed for a couple of minutes of snuggling (Sloane snuggling and Logan sitting on top of me yelling, "Eat! Eat!"). Other days, we go into their room to wake them up with kisses. Usually, I start getting ready while Ken helps Sloane and Logan get dressed and washed up. While they are finishing up, I go down to the kitchen to start breakfast. Hopefully, I've already packed lunch and snacks the night before, and then it's breakfast on the table by 6:45, while Ken takes his turn getting ready (he usually doesn't eat breakfast, or grabs it to go). I try to make sure breakfast starts by 6:45 so that we can have time to take a deep breath and I can have time with the girls before we start the day; I hate having to rush them in the mornings. We are out the door by 7:15 so that Sloane can catch the bus by 7:20, and then Ken goes to work and I leave to drop Logan at her daycare before getting into work by between 8:00 and 8:15.

5:00 PM | EVENING

I leave work around 5:00 to go pick Logan up first, and then go get Sloane at her after school care. It is around 6:00 PM when we get home, and I am immediately getting dinner on the table while catching up with the girls. Ken doesn't get home until 7:00 PM or after, so on the days I go to Crossfit, I have to get dinner on the table, make sure the girls eat, eat myself, and then change into gym clothes to be out the door by 7:00 PM.  If I go to Crossfit, I get back home by 9:00 PM, the girls are already in bed so I sneak in there to give them kisses, shower, and then try to get the dishes done, pack lunches for the next day, and do a little tidying. Ken and I also try to spend some time catching up at the end of the day together. Even if this is all I do, it is a good and rare night if I get to bed around 10:00 PM before I have to start it all over again the next day.  This is why it is difficult to go to Crossfit as much as I would like to; even though I love it when I do get to go, it gives me barely any time with the girls during the week. If I don't go to Crossfit or go to some other event that occasionally comes up during the weekday, I can take things slow and enjoy the girls from about 6:00 to 7:30PM. I love having this time with them. 7:30 is when we start getting them ready for bed.  After they are washed up and tucked in, we read a couple of books, sing a few songs, talk about our day and snuggle in bed. Ideally, they are down by 8:00, but sometimes we have stragglers who wander out for a cup of water, an itchy foot, or an extra hug. On these nights, after the girls are down, I may do some meal prep that I wasn't able to get done during the weekend, clean up the kitchen, catch up on emails, do some blog prep, write, edit photos, put in some time on things I'm working on these days, or work on the podcast with Ken.

There it is. Some days it feels fine, and other days it feels like I am trapped on a hamster wheel. In order to avoid the latter, I have been practicing the habit of holding on to certain moments and slowing them down. Like when we are done with dinner and Sloane is telling me about her day, I like being able to hold her and give her my full attention. Even if it just for 10 minutes, if I am fully present and attentive, it feels like I am slowing things down and the time spent feels longer than if I am rushed or half-way present. Or if it is obvious Logan needs to be held a little more that day, I like to be able to just sit on the sofa and hold her for 5 minutes without any other agenda and just be there with her. We both get the most out of it that way. 

I should also say, things that are also part of this daily weekday rhythm are: 1) the time that I have in the car with the girls to talk about the day, discuss questions they have, and listen to music together; 2) once in a while, I will be able to wake up earlier than the alarm clock and it is nice to have that quiet time at the beginning of the day. My goal is always to get back to the habit of this, which means sleeping earlier; 3) Ken and I have decided we will try to keep Wednesdays as free as possible - free from other commitments, and with Ken coming home earlier, so that we can do things like eat dinner together and play outside together. It is nice to have that to look forward to in the middle of the week; 4) trying to get a lot of things out of the way on the weekends, like meal prep, and laundry if we are lucky, to make it a little easier on us during the week; 5) Ken and I communicate a lot during the day, mostly through text, but it makes us feel connected to each other throughout the day.

Our rhythm during the weekends are obviously vastly different…which is why I love weekends so much!  Because of the difference in pace during the weekend, I revel in it:  the luxury of one moment stretching into the next, being with the girls as much as possible, being at home or going out on adventures, and the space to fit in small tasks here and there.

I'm trying to regard these two different rhythms - the weekday versus the weekend - as both important and crucial to our life. I tell myself one needs the other, and there is a balance that can be tweaked out and practiced here in a way that will truly be beneficial for us.

I took these photos while I was getting dinner prepped on Friday after work. Ken had gotten off work earlier and went to go pick Sloane off so that they can go grocery shopping together, so I only had to pick up Logan and then we came home and it was just us (and Rusty) taking our time heating up the food and waiting for Ken and Sloane. 

Logan took this one. 

And this one. ("Look mom! I took a picture of Rusty!")

I thought we would be able to fit in a picnic for dinner on Friday but we couldnt make it work so we had a clean-out-the-fridge-and-eat-on-the-porch dinner. Roasted carrots and pesto chicken pasta.

When Sloane got home she was bubbling with energy and the girls were so happy to see each other. While they ate, Sloane asked Logan about her day, very much in the same manner and cadence that Ken and I had been grilling Sloane about her first week at Kindergarten. 

TWO PICNICS

Well, this has been a total doozy of a week. Strange for many reasons, the most major of them being the change of Sloane now being in kindergarten. I can tell that it will normalize but we haven't quite gotten there yet. This morning after seeing Sloane off, Ken bemoaned, "I thought this was going to get easier!" But good news, four days in and Sloane loves it - both the school and the after school care. Logan still asks where Sloane is on our way to daycare every morning, but apparently she's also doing very well without a Sloane there. Logan also desperately wants to go to kindergarten she says, I suspect it has much to do with getting on the yellow school bus.

 I'm looking forward to this weekend of being with Ken and the girls at home, Ken's mom is going to be coming up, and we have a shrimp boil at a friend's place tomorrow night. It is apparently also supposed be beautiful outside so we will likely spend lots of time outdoors. I am grieving the end of summer, but I have been consoling myself with lots of time outdoors, especially in the way of picnics. These photos are from a morning a few weeks ago where we had two picnics - one for breakfast and one for lunch - while we were having a play date with some friends. It is Friday today and I am planning on a picnic dinner for tonight !

The very exclusive restaurant. 

Logan here is ordering apple juice. I don't know if she's ever even had apple juice before, but that's what she ordered.

Ryan didn't order anything but she seemed to be happy just being there.

This here is Logan having her apple juice and something else she ordered. She was really enjoying whatever it was.

Picnic #2! After running some errands, we came back to the same park, different spot, and had ourselves a picnic lunch. After the big girls finished their food, they ran off with Ken to feed the geese by the pond, while the little girls stayed behind to finish their lunch. 

It was a perfect morning. Here's to many more picnics in the weeks to come!

MORE PHOTOS FROM THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

I am feeling mentally and emotionally exhausted today. Maybe being anxious about this week wore me out. Also, it's obviously not summer anymore and my body deflates at this change. It happens each year despite my resolve and pep talk - it seems to be a physical reaction that automatically happens when the weather changes. I AM excited about fall; it's a great season, there are so many lovely smells that happen in these months, I love crispy air and blue skies, and it holds one of my favorite activities ever - apple picking! But my body also knows it means colder weather is very near, and things within me wilt at the prospect. I feel, like I do every year, that I may not make it through the winter. 

Sloane, on the other hand, is very excited about this upcoming year. She said she had a great day yesterday (yes, Ken and I asked her a million questions. She politely requested that going forward she be asked only one set of a million questions, rather than have to recount her day two separate times) and she was ready for more today. Her being in school now is going to make fall seem even more like a new year, a new beginning. But this new year I don't have resolutions or even a to-do list. I just want to be. One way of saying it could be that I just want to survive, but the optimistic viewpoint would be that I want to simply be still and in the moment, every day. That's all I ask of myself these days.

I posted a video of Sloane's first day yesterday (and I have teared up each time I re-watch it) and I'm sharing some photos here of the same morning. I am SO proud of how she handled all of the new things she encountered on her first day.  She was so excited and happy when I picked her up from after school care, gave me a detailed account of her whole day, fell asleep on the way to pick up Logan from her daycare, woke up again for dinner and to tell Ken about her day again, then went around to our neighbors with Ken to invite them over for roasting marshmallows over the fire pit, pranced around with neighborhood kids, helped Logan roast her first marshmallow, and fell asleep quickly when we finally got her into bed.  I am relieved we got through that first day, but there is still so much unknown and anxiety-inducing about this transition; I am grateful for the way we are asked to take things one day at a time, because that's how I'm planning on navigating through this.

SLOANE'S FIRST DAY OF KINDERGARTEN

We did it!! And by we, I fully mean we, because this felt like a huge moment of transition for Ken and myself, and for our whole family.  Even Logan is going to have to get used to going to daycare by herself now!

It was really nice having the day yesterday off to get some cleaning and errands done (we finally have a working oven!) and to prepare for Sloane's first day.  We made sure all of her papers were put inside her folder and placed inside her backpack, went over important numbers, laid out her clothes and talked about what she thought today would be like. After dinner and a bath, we watched "Inside Out" and teared up watching it. There was an intense round of questions and answers from Sloane and Logan after the movie, and after lots of hugs and kisses, pajamas and washing up, we sprinkled magic confetti under Sloane's pillow (from her teacher) and tucked them into bed.

This morning, we got up earlier than usual but somehow it still felt like a rush. Part of it may have to do with the fact that my heart was beating fast the whole time, but it was very apparent, as it has been for the past few months now, that Sloane had no anxiety or fear about her first day. She was relaxed and very excited. I thought I might cry seeing her get on the bus or watching her walk into her classroom, but I was so overwhelmed by the feeling of newness mixed in with anxiety and excitement, that tears couldn't get through. It felt like the feeling you get when you are swooping down on a rollercoaster: you are gritting your teeth (with excitement?) but the stomach drop overcomes your body and there is no space for anything else except being rushed along in the moment.

Afterwards, I took Logan to her daycare (with Logan constantly asking, "Where's Sloane"?) and it wasn't until my drive back, while listening to NPR's "What's Bugging You?" segment about mosquitos and ticks, that I got teary-eyed. What a big change for her and for us! I feel sad for the chapter of our lives that is ending, but I also feel extremely proud of her. I know she's going to do so well with school, and I feel so lucky that Ken and I get to be alongside her (and with each other!) as she grows through this process. I can't wait to see her so I can hear all about her first day.

A MORNING IN NORFOLK!

You guys, we had Kindergarten Open House yesterday for Sloane's upcoming year and it was a doozy.

I've been in high anxiety about the upcoming transition for the past few weeks, so much so that I thought I had exhausted it all out of me, but nope, turns out it's still there.  

I felt totally overwhelmed and sweaty when we first walked in, and a little like I was going to throw up. It felt like MY first day of school. All of my instincts were shouting, 'Wait, what IS this place?? Who are all these people??' Ken and I kept giving each other big eyeballs, in between flashing big and fearful smiles at teachers.

I would casually throw over questions to Ken like, 

"Do your insides feel like they are going to fall out too?" While we strolled through the hallways and tried to imagine everything through Sloane's eyes. 

 I KNOW she's going to be fine. Because according to her, it's going to be great. She's so excited, and she was so relaxed and comfortable during the open house and excited about meeting her new teacher, exploring her new classroom, meeting the nurse and librarian, learning where the cafeteria and bus drop off is. She was skipping around with joy and couldn't keep a smile off her face.  Her new teacher seems so kind and enthusiastic, just the sort of thing Sloane needs, and I know she is going to learn so much.

It's hard to explain, and believe me when I say I didn't think I was going to be rattled by this transition, but the closer we got to this day, the more monumental it seemed. It's not just that she's going to a new place, or that she's going to be away from home (she has been going to daycare basically her whole life), it's that she is entering into the highway that is the beginning of zooming her away from me. It's a relinquishing of control, and we all know how I feel about control, it's gearing up for a terrain of several outside influences, it's a fear that she will get hurt. It's also an excitement for her, because she is such a wonderful little spark, and she will learn so many things, be molded in unexpected ways, and I just have to keep doing this thing of trusting and trying my best... this all just marks the transition into a much bigger scale. Leveling up.

The moment I almost lost it is when we got on the school bus. They had a school bus parked outside in the back where the bus will be dropping the kids off, so that the kids (and come on let's be real, the parents) could see what it was like to go from the bus, into the school, and walk all the way to their classroom. We walked up into the park school bus, and Sloane was giddy with excitement (she's been asking since last year when she will get to ride the school bus) but I all of a sudden felt super emotional and almost teared up! I had never ridden a school bus as a kid, and this bus looked so huge and Sloane looked so tiny, and imagining her getting on this big bus by herself, encountering a bus full of kids she didn't know, and writing by herself all the way to school, got me choked up. Obviously, she's ready but I'm not. 

I didn't think I was going to be this kind of mom! But apparently I am, and you better believe I'm going to see her get on that bus that first day and then drive to school so that I can watch her get off and get to her classroom (apparently, all the parents do this. When Ken and I first heard this was a thing, we laughed, and then immediately decided we needed to do it too.)

Anyways, I'll report back next week on the state of affairs. In the meanwhile, I wanted to share some photos of a morning we had in Norfolk this past weekend. We go often to Virginia Beach to visit Ken's family, but never go to Norfolk so this was a first for us. We had a delicious brunch at Toast and then went to the Chrysler Museum of Art. I never knew but it is a great museum !! It's free, beautiful, and they have an amazing glass exhibit. I would love to go back for another visit.

We had gotten to the museum before they open (they open at noon on Sundays) so we spent our time waiting in this small garden next to the entrance. It was serene, quiet and lovely.