TO THE BREAST, TO THE BREAST

you know, like beyonce's "to the left, to the left"....?... yeah. sing it.

disclaimer: this post is a lot of boob talk.

at one point last week, i was feeling confident about going back to work. well, in a kind of "i can do it" bravado that is totally necessary for one to move on in life without being a whiner, but now that it's down to the last few days, i'm feeling very much in the thereisnowayiwillsurvivewiththisamountofsleep mode, and i can feel myself about to launch myself into the kind of stress that is an anticipatory stress, you know, the kind where the anxiety escalates into hysterics.

here's the deal: i want to keep breastfeeding while i work and i want to feed my baby breastmilk for as long as possible. in theory it sounds like a great idea, but in practice it means breast pumps, pumping at work, bottle feeding, and being a master of the schedule.

AHH the pump. i have this pump that is called "pump in style" and it makes me feel a little bit angry looking at it because it is in the form of this sleek looking black purse, which is all well and fine but it's so heavy and has tubes coming out of it and thinking about lugging that thing to work every single day and then locking myself in a room at work to have that machine pump me everyday is making me feel exhausted just by thinking about it.

by the way, i feel like this is the kind of thing where i should wait a few months to write about, so that it can be a victory post rather than a post where i espouse all my fears. but it's going to be the latter becuase i am trying to organize and then kick all these anxieties in the butt.  so.

when i was pregnant with sloane, i knew that i wanted to breastfeed. the benefits of doing so were extremely convincing. but i couldn't wrap my mind around it.  first, the idea that my body, which i imagine to only be made up of things like water, blood, muscle, and tissue, was somehow going to make and produce a milk-like substance? werid. and then i was going to have a baby suck on my breast to obtain that milk? even werider. it all seemed so...animalistic. which probably goes to show that we live in a society that makes boobs so sexualized and taboo that sometimes we feel awkward about our own boobs. but to my relief, once the baby was here and she needed to be fed, putting her to my breast seemed to be the MOST NATURAL THING ever. it's fascinating to me how it works that way. my brain just kicked into the nursing baby gear, which barely remembers how strange i thought it would be to do this. don't get me wrong, it was not easy. the first couple of weeks was a little bit dreadful and mostly hilarious. i was lucky that sloane latched quickly (maybe due to a natural birth?) but my body went a little overboard in producing milk and it felt like i was leaking everywhere and getting engorged (this is when your breasts feel like they might explode). i felt ridiculous. but after those few weeks, and with the help of a nursing bra and nursing pads, things normalized and i got to a place where i felt like i had a handle on it - the first time i nursed in the car oh so easily and casually because we we weren't going to get back home in time, i felt like a rockstar. it's not a feeling that i had even known to imagine before, but when i'm nursing (thanks, endorphins), i get this overwhelming sense of love and purpose. it's such a fantastic feeling to know that i can provide for my baby in this way, that she needs me, and i do love having that time to bond with her. it's sweet.

WHICH IS WHY it is hard to try to get her to take the bottle when she obviously hates it so. this baby has been a good baby and will only cry when she is really super hungry, which she does now with great fervor when we are trying to administer the bottle. so when she's like that, i just want to give up and nurse her - hey! i have a boob and you already like it-  but i know that we have to keep working with her to teach her about the ways of the bottle becuase that's going to be her source of food when i'm at work. it's been a rough past couple of weeks becuase of that. the natural thing and my instinct is to just put her to the breast when baby is hungry, but now instead i have to struggle with her to take milk from a bottle and then connect to a machine to pump. it's frustrating, but since i can't work from home and work may have a problem with me bringing the baby to work, it must be done.

so i grit my teeth and march on. i've been trying to bottle feed her about twice a day, and each time it's a whole production. it's different every time but it goes something like this - a half an hour of her playing with the bottle with her lips and tongue, 10-15 minutes of crying because she wants the breast instead, falling asleep for a little bit becuase she has worn herself out, and then more crying when she wakes up and realizes i want her to take the bottle. all of this results in her having consumed little to no milk. giving her the bottle also means that i have to pump in order to keep my milk production up (which has decreased drastically, and this is another source of concern), which means my entire day is nursing, trying to bottle feed, pumping, aaaaaand repeat.  to top it off, because she's not getting enough at the bottle feeding times, her feeding schedule is all messed up.  the last two paragraph sof me describing this was to inform, but mostly to vent.  so thanks for listening.

deep breath.

i have this incredibly awesome and slightly annoying gift of being able to think and feel doomsday talk for miles, but at the same time, i can have the most positive outlook on it. and sometimes i try to avoid the positive outlook becuase i'm like, just let me whine already! but really, i'm grateful for the positivity because too much anxiety and stress can be a time waster and obviously, i'd like to spend my time elsewhere.

so yes, i'm dreading the next couple of weeks of transition. yes, i wish that i had a flexible enough job that allowed me to work from home or allowed me to take my baby with me to work. and yes, a maid or a personal assistant would also be nice.

but the reality is, i feel so lucky to have this baby. i feel so blessed to have a good baby who doesn't cry too much and really, is very reasonable. i am thankful to have a good husband and i am thankful to have a job that will allow us to help pay the bills and such. i am also pretty darn lucky to have so much resources at hand (thanks, Google), as well as conversations with a couple of working moms who have done it and survived. it probably will be difficult, and don't mind me if i use the blog to further vent in the future, but i know i CAN do this. mostly because, i MUST. but also because, i CAN. i believe (even when i don't) that God would not give/bless/assign me with more than i can handle, and i just need to remember that as i go forth.

another deep breath.

God, some requests please: can you please help sloane take to the bottle?
and just as importantly, for my sanity, could you make sure i get sufficient sleep, especially during the weeknights?
and please help me to be good at all of this.

thank you, amen. the end.