ONE MONTH WITH A BABY

Sloane at one month on a deliciously colorful and soft blanket made by my friend's sweet mom

It has been much harder than I thought it would be write up the story of my labor and birth. It is clear in my mind, but it is as if the right kind of words do not exist to describe that whole experience. I’m working on it!

Aftermath

 I remember the first few days after it all, I kept thinking, WOW, I did it.  I also remember being in a lot of pain- it hurt to pee, I was freaked out about going number two for the first time, and everything just felt really sensitive. I remember during the first couple of weeks how I kind of felt like I was in shambles, physically. Along with engorged breasts and realizing I still wasn’t going to fit into most of my normal clothes, I wasn’t sure if I quite felt like myself.  Actually, I did feel like myself, but just an older and slower version. I really did move slower. I think the most difficult part, besides trying to get used to the different (and lack of) sleep schedule, was still feeling like I was captive to my body. I fully understood then what it meant when doctors and midwives would refer to this time after birth as the “fourth trimester”.  And there of course, was the baby. The sweet baby who I loved dearly but didn’t’ quite know, yet.  In the beginning, the baby doesn’t do much else except sleep and eat and doesn't quite yet have a personality, and sometimes it felt like I was taking care of a living, breathing doll. After a few weeks though, I started to get to know her. What all her different coos, whines, and cries mean, how to hold her, and I was starting to memorize her facial expressions from staring at her for so long. Sometime during the third week, I realized I felt like a mom, and I was falling crazy head over heels in love with this tiny creature who was now meeting and holding my gaze. Sometime between that third and fourth week, I realized that I felt ok. Physically, I felt much better, the bathroom wasn’t as much of an issue anymore, and I had gotten the hang of breastfeeding. Most importantly though, I started to feel that surreal elated joy of having this baby girl in my life. I knew about that joy in my head, but it was as if the experience of labor, the tiredness, and the different pace of life didn’t really let me fully feel it until that third week. Nowadays my heart is full to the brim when I think of her and I feel so blessed/lucky/grateful.

I love the people in my life

I think my transition from no-baby to new-baby was relatively smooth. And I think a huge part of making that happen was the people in my life. I need to make this note of how incredible it was to have all the support that we had from friends and family, to remind myself that even while having a baby is a personal thing, it is also the most amazing community thing. Having friends send congratulatory messages, bring by food and gifts, and having people be genuinely happy for us has been such an encouraging and humbling experience. Also having family stay with us for the first few weeks was a God-send and it did my heart so so good to see S. with her grandparents, aunts, and great-grandparent. It was also deliciously sweet to spend those 'awakening' moments with Ken, first in the hospital and then when we came home. 

My job

Right now my job is to take care of this baby, and I have just been realizing that I love this job. Not because changing diapers and nursing is super fun, but because I have been tasked with the mind-blowing responsibility and privilege of knowing and taking care of this very unique and baby that is ours for a reason. She needs me and I’m amazed that I have what it takes to meet her needs.  My favorite thing about this baby is that she is our baby…she is ours not just because I gave birth to her, but because Ken and I have fully committed to loving her, we have made room in our lives for her, and we know her better than anyone else. It also helps that she smells and feels so good, and that she is so darn cute. When she falls asleep and snuggles up against my chest, or when I find her wide awake and cooing by herself in her bassinet in the mornings, I fall in love with her all over again. I’ve been thinking about what it’ll be like to go back to work and I’m conflicted. I do want to work, (or more specifically, I want a career) but now it makes me want, more than ever, to love my job, so that it will make being away from her worthwhile. I like making money, but it kind of sucks that it has to be at the expense of leaving S. with someone else while I do it.  I wish I could be two different people at one time so that I can work but also be with S. during the day. Being a working mom is going to be challenging, and this will be the next chapter of my life.