PARA-NOIA

This is definitely not how this shirt looked on me a few months ago.

Pet peeve: When I'm walking down a relatively empty street and I hear the footsteps of someone following close behind me, a little too close, wearing loud shoes and sounding like they are going to catch up any second. I get more than a little irritated by that. It's a combination of feeling like I want to turn around to see if I know them - because why else would they be walking so close?- but not wanting to, in case I don't know them, and a feeling of paranoia that I'm going to get grabbed.

Why do I share this? Because paranoia is not a feeling I enjoy, and of late, it's been a more prevalent feeling than I like to admit. Most times I am calm, and I feel like I am taking so many of these life changes into stride. Other times, I think if I look in the mirror I'll see a wide-eyed panicked version of myself, unblinking and demanding answers.

Growing a human inside your body for the first time is prime time, a perfect environment for breeding all sorts of paranoid issues and self-doubt. I wash my hands too many times a day. I avoid foods on the no-no list and I am constantly trolling the web to see if there is anything else I should be staying away from.  I replay and analyze whether or not that bite of meat I ate was slightly undercooked. I lay awake at night when I can't fall back asleep wondering if she's moving around so much because she's uncomfortable due to something I did or ate that day.

All of this is totally unlike my usual self. I'm a brush-it-off, don't-sweat-the-small-stuff, don't-take-yourself-too-seriously, kind of gal, but being responsible for the life and future of an unborn child is new to me. And in this case, the not-knowing is normal, but sometimes - only sometimes - it can slide into a rabbit trail that ends with me imagining the worst case scenario. To be fair to myself, it's rare when this happens, but what I'm doing here is acknowledging that it DOES happen, maybe in an attempt to hold on to the good (habits) and let go of the delusional. I recently had a conversation with my mom who said one of the surprisingly hardest things about being a parent is letting go. Not necessarily of your child, but of your fears and your expectations. Especially if you are one who believes that you are not in control, that this baby is not just your own, and that God is the kind of God who wants us to trust him, I can see this letting go thing is definitely going to have to be a habit when I become a parent. So that's what pregnant-me is about, I guess, doing my best at what I can, letting go of my fears, and being patient....