SUN ON MY FACE

What a strange strange week it has been. Strange and sad, but also, there is

an unexpectedly sunny day, a getaway lunch, food that feeds the soul and the palate, a quiet neighborhood, baby's arms around my neck, husband's hands cradling my face.

A meal worth waiting for: roasted red pepper and mozzarella cheese topped with olive oil and basil, glass of red wine, French bread with butter.

There is always something to hold on to, always something to let go of.

SOME THOUGHTS ON WHOLE 30

1. I feel a little awkward documenting this because my inclination is to rebel against things that smell like a diet, but I’m fascinated by reading up on other people’s eating habits and I’m a huge believer in nutrition-led health, so this may be worth a numbered list. 

2. We are on Day 29, so tomorrow is our last day. 

3. People have been asking me how I feel, and physically, I don't feel any different than I did before.  I think it is worth noting here again that eating a protein and a vegetable is primarily how I eat my main meals anyways, which is why the effect may have been minimal.  It is also worth noting that I didn't do this because I wanted to cure ailments and I didn't do this because I was eating badly.  I do know people have have done this to help with headaches and IBS, and found the program to greatly improve their well-being. 

4. I think the primary effect has been on the mental. As I explained here, I started this as a reset and detox, and that’s still primarily my outlook on this.  It was an interesting experiment to see if I could do it (I can), to see if Ken could do it (he can!), and to show my body that it can thrive on whole foods like meats, vegetables and good fats. The thing that I was most nervous of cutting out was dairy and alcohol, but it didn't prove to be that much of a problem. 

5. There is also a change physiologically, as well. Apparently, what our bodies should be doing now after this program is burning fat, like it is meant to do, instead of sugar. Since sugar is in everything these days, we consume way too much  of it as a society, and that trains our body to burn sugar instead of fat, which is not how our bodies are supposed to run. 

6. It got verrry time-consuming to cook everything from scratch. But I think I gained a lot of experience and knowledge while cooking Whole 30 meals; it makes you think about cooking with fresh eyes. One of our favorite recipes from this program is the plantain lasagna, which is pictured above, and is surprisingly delicious.

7. I actually got tired of eating meat after a while. We were eating a meat, vegetable and fat at every meal, and at around Day 20 or so, I had to take a break from eating meat for a couple of days.

8. I have gained such an even greater appreciation for ALL foods. And I can't wait to go back to eating well-balanced nutritious meals that include the occasional glass of wine, slice of hearty brown bread and cheese.

9. What has been the MOST surprising throughout all this is the change that Ken went through. During the first week, he was struggling with the restrictions and said that food stopped tasting good to him. But by the last week, he said food started tasting good again - and not just the regular food that we were eating - food that he used to not like before, all of a sudden started tasting better, like yellow and orange bell peppers and roasted butternut squash.

10. Ken sees the benefit of this program that he decided he wants to stick with being intentionally about eating well. He is transitioning from Whole30 to eating Paleo and he is so serious about this that he has decided to take over the kitchen...at least for this week. You guys, when my husband is serious about something, he's serious about it.  He spent last night and all day today, cutting, prepping and pre-cooking our meals for this week. He's taking it on and he's doing it in the methodical, detailed, and organized way that he does; I'm glad I have front-row tickets to this.

And lastly, Sloane wasn't doing Whole30, but here she is, keeping papa company while he chops, eating like a champ, wearing a Daddy's princess bib that is way too small for her.

SLOANE AT 18 MONTHS

She takes my face in both of her small hands. She tilts her head from side to side, her hands cradling my face, looking at me carefully. 'Mommy,' she concludes, happily.

I have a one and a half year old daughter (!!) now and it is always the most glorious of things and often the most exhausting of things.  There are days when I have a million things on my mind and the day has been long and unkind, and she is cranky and clingy in a way that wears me down to my bones. But then she will all of a sudden yell, "Dince (Dance)!!" with desperation in her voice and motion to my phone, asking me to turn the music on, and I do, and then she proceeds to do a heartfelt dance with all of her little body, looking at me for approval and grinning back at me, and my heart explodes and melts down my thorns. 

There are other days, when she is so sweet that it impresses me. She can be so good at playing by herself by stacking blocks, taking care of her stuffed bunny, 'cleaning' the floors, carrying around a pail full of small items, arranging pens, etc. and this is usually what she is doing while I cook. Watching her play so well by herself makes me feel proud and also feel excited for when she maybe has a sibling to play with (but no not yet, noooott yeeet). 

One of my favorite things about what she can do now is that she understands and knows how to wait. She has REALLY caught on to the word, "mommy" and will repeat it endlessly in order to show me something or in order to ask me to come help her with something. If I am wrist deep in raw chicken, I'll ask her to hold on or to please wait, and she will comply, standing by my legs, waiting patiently until I am done.  Often times I'll say, "I am doing such and such but I will be with you shortly, please wait, ok?" And she'll reply, "okay".

She does this thing where she will start reaching for something and if she knows that it might not be allowed, she looks at me, her face asking me if it is okay.  She knows so many words, and many of her words are indiscernible but I am getting better and better at decoding. Her first sentence appears to be, "Sit down!" ordering me to sit down next to her to play.

It's also nice that she has caught on to the word, "yes", which is a nice change from "no!"  We ask her yes or no questions and I'm tickled whenever she replies accordingly. "Do you want to get ready for bed?" "Yes," she'll reply solemnly, if she's tired. "Do you want an apple?" "Yes!!" she'll yell and flush with joy.

Because she is so vocal these days, it always surprises me when she clams up in front of other people that she is not familiar with. It's a thing that babes go through, apparently, to establish safety and a home base, but it always surprises me to see her act with such caution. And maybe it's a part of her personality? Sometimes I take a look at her through my objective lens and marvel at how much of a whole person she is, separate from me. Who IS this person? I ask myself. What a joy and responsibility it is to learn who she is!  

MAKING VALENTINE'S DAY CARDS WITH BABES

As much as I want to be hibernating during the winter ("You're like a bear," Ken said to me the other day. "You should be holed up in a cave right now, sleeping away the winter." This was after a particularly cranky rant from yours truly), it makes even more sense to go to the places where friends gather and garner warmth from their presence.  That's one of my 'survive the winter' tips - snuggle up to friends. In this case, make sure to include your babies. Glitter, finger paint, and cupfuls of fruit also help.  

When we walked in, Sloane was slung over my shoulder in slumber. Simone ran over to us, excited, and peered at Sloane, probably thinking that walking in asleep was no way to start a playdate.  Sloane soon blinked her eyes open. "Can we walk together?" Simone asked, looking for Sloane's hand to hold.

I handed each of them a cup of fruit, and they ran off together, showing each other their cups and happily leaning against the wall to pose for the camera and reap their spoils. Two tiny gentlemen - Elijah and Os - also proved to be splendid playmates, and led the way in the ensuing morning adventures. 

At one point, the babes starting running around in a circle - who was chasing who, no one seemed to know, but they were all being chased - and having THE BEST TIME. They were all laughing hysterically and I about exploded from joy watching them.














It feels like being in the presence of a miracle to behold the faces of my friends represented in miniature form on the faces of their babes and to be able to watch these little spirits shine and laugh and spend the morning with each other.

LOOKING TO SPRING

Now that we are out of January, and immersed in the month of heart shaped everythings, I am feeling hopeful about spring truly being around the corner. Here are some things that are keeping me inspired and focusing my mind spring-ward:

Polenta with asparagus, leeks and green peas via One Kings Lane

Louise Olsen and Stephen Ormandy's Sydney Home via the Design Files

Denim and pastels via J.Crew

Painting by Jamie Derringer via Anthology

Whites and greens; Kaisa Rautaheimo and Ginny Branch

EVERYDAY I SQUEEZE OUT EVERY LAST DROP

I’m going to start off here with a parenting fail and a parenting triumph. I’m not necessarily attributing these solely to me; these are things that happened recently where I felt that the situation called for a sad trombone (fail) or a happy trombone (triumph) sound clip.

The fail: She has been so interested in what I do in the kitchen and often wants to be picked up so that she can see what’s going on. On one such occasion, she was sitting next to me while I chopped onions and she was examining the onion skins, sniffing them and intently watching me chop. I don’t tear up when I chop onions (thank you, contacts) so I guess it didn’t register that it would be potent until I noticed Sloane blinking rapidly and rubbing her eyes. She looked up at me, confused, and I saw that her eyes were red and giant tear drops were coming down her face. She was a champ about it and just blinked them away, but that was definitely a parenting fail. And then there was also the very recent incident when she threw up repeatedly after taking allergy medicine, all while clinging on to my neck. It was hard.  

And the triumph: The other day, I turned on Etta James and when the music came on, Sloane starting swaying along to the rhythm. And then when Etta started singing, Sloane raised her little chin and ‘ahhh rahhhh’ –ed right along with Etta.  It warmed my freezer burned heart right up! I consider it a great triumph that this little person loves music and dancing. 

Like usual, I’m doing a lot of thinking about writing these days, but different in that I’m widening my scope to include more non-conventional facets. I’m knee deep in Don Delillo’s ‘The Angel Esmeralda’ (thanks for the recommendation, Hilz!) and it is great so far. I’m also making my way through this list. But also, when I watch a commercial or a television show, listen to stories from my co-worker who aspires to be stand-up comedian, or listen for word choices on my favorite podcasts, I’m thinking about writing.  Writing as story-telling, as expression, as communication of ideas. It consumes my mind. (Well, whatever  part of my mind that is left after  X, Y and Z. X being Sloane, Y being cooking Whole 30 meals and Z being work. There is also A-W, but let’s leave those for another time.)

Recently, I heard someone say, “Specificity is the soul of the narrative” and that hit a resounding three part harmony in my own soul, because it rings so true in my experience – both as a writer and a reader. I’m also hearing a lot of talks these days about how if you want something, you work your butt off for it. I heard an interview today where a successful executive said something along the lines of - A lot of people say that they want things, but they don't put the work in. If you really want something, put the work in, and when a break comes along, you will be right there. I always knew this in my head, but I'm also hearing it these days in my heart and hands.

Listen universe, I want things and I’m going to work my little butt off, you hear me?  Listen God, I’m going to leave the steering of this little butt to you, I hope you hear me.  

These photos are from this past weekend when we had a brief visit with my sister and brother-in-law. It was lovely; we got to see where they live and Sloane pranced around our table of talk and kebobs.

CONGRATULATIONS EVERYONE WE MADE IT TO FEBRUARY

I love that feeling of coming home after work. I let that feeling of relief wash over me and try to remind myself that I would never feel this deep a pleasure for coming home if I didn't work at a job that occasionally exhausted me to the bones.

Ken sent me this article today saying that it reminded him of me. I'm not convinced it's all together a bad thing that my husband sent me an article that says "don't date a girl who travels", the girl who travels being me, but I am sure it is loaded with complicated subtext. I choose to not engage in dissecting the subtext. Except to say, gooood luck putting up with me.

I felt a little bit like a block of wood all day today. It was pouring rain when I woke up and I could not wake up or look presentable no matter how sternly I looked myself in the mirror and told my reflection to shape up. I am so uncomfortable in my skin during these winter days. If you are talking to me and I look slightly askew and awkward, it's probably because of how cold and dry my innards feel. If you're tired of hearing me complain about the weather, I apologize. Can I make it up to you with pictures of hearts and babies and balloons? Let's try. Because we were at a baby shower this past weekend and that's what filled up my camera's photo album.