it chooses you

If you are a fan of Miranda July's writing, or if you are one of those types of people who is interested in knowing what people are about, check out Miranda's book 'It Chooses You'. While she was working on the screenplay for her second movie, 'The Future', she procrastinated/sought inspiration by reading the Penny Saver (think old-school, paper-based, pre-computer version of craigslist) and then going on interviews with the people that she found in its pages. The book is a collection of interviews and reflections with people that she would never have met otherwise, and I kind of loved the selections from it that she read at a Symphony Space event. I listened to the readings on a Selected Shorts' podcast, but you can check it out here.

And here is the trailer for the movie, 'The Future', which as you can see, eventually got made:

source of images

18 weeks...

I think it’s almost time to say goodbye to pants and hello to stretchy skirts, leggings and dresses. I’m on the lookout for attractive maxi dresses, so if you see any, do let me know.

I’m supposed to feel the baby kick at any moment now, so I’ve been anticipating that and trying to distinguish the baby from other things that I feel in my stomach: stretching, gas, aches. So far, nothing that seems distinctively baby, so I’m still waiting.

In the meanwhile, my appetite now leans toward red meat and sweets. I still constantly want to eat fruit, but not so much vegetables, unfortunately. I think I’m going to have to starting drinking more V8 or juicing in order to get the vegetables in, because my appetite is feeling hostile to vegetables! I’m hoping this passes quickly because I usually love vegetables and want my baby to love them too. It is the strangest thing to me that I wake up wanting to eat peanut butter ice cream, but yes, that has happened.

Also, I know this is totally typical of the pregnant lady, but the increase in bathroom trips is getting out of control! This baby must be sitting right on top of my bladder right now. C’mon baby!

Update on the Flonase: I decided to stop using it after a few days because I kept feeling anxious and paranoid about using it. Thankfully the congestion is not as bad now as it was a few weeks ago, so I am just going to try to fight through it without the meds.

i find it soothing to design and decorate imaginary rooms in my mind

Style blogger, Joy for Oh Joy, had her living room and dining room redone on Secrets of a Stylist (yay HGTV!), and I was quite inspired, specifically by the use of mid-century Danish furniture mixed in with light and airy quirk. Mid-century pieces seem to be all the rage right now, but I can't get enough! Especially with the upcoming move into our house in five months, my eye is always wandering towards inspiring photos of living spaces. I love when the simple, woodsy, modern pieces mix with creative touches to make the space appear both liveable and unique.

For more inspirational mid-century homes, check out these posts by design sponge:
here, here, here, and here.

And because this is what I do sometimes, some mid-century style tables from etsy:
here, here, here and here.

friendly feelings towards cupcakes, especially at Pearl's

A few weekends ago, my friend Ashley threw a lovely baby shower for our friend Julia, and here is the spread for your viewing pleasure. Namely, take a look at those cupcakes!






I'm not a crazy cupcake lover, but these were done RIGHT. I'm pretty sure a lot of it has to do with the butter cream frosting, and maybe something to do with this little one that I'm growing. The cupcakes were from Pearl's on Grove Avenue here in Richmond, and I thought about them all week. I looked up pictures of them on their website while I was at work. That's how good they were.




So naturally, I mosied on to their store on Saturday to get my fix. Pretty cake and cupcake paintings!



I got a box of four - two double troubles, a red velvet, and then a cupcake with a cookie on top!



It was glorious.

17 weeks

...means you can definitely see the baby bump! There was a notable baby-shaped bump at week 15-`16, but it wasn't until this week that it is all 'helloo world' through my clothes.

I was apprehensive about different things about being pregnant, but the most difficult thing to deal with so far was unexpected. I apologize in advance if this is too much information, but starting a couple of weeks ago, I have been so congested in the worst way. I usually don’t have a problem with this, even in the winter, so I was super uncomfortable. I would wake up several times during the night with a dry, stuffed nose, which meant I couldn’t breathe, and once I was awake, it would take me forever to fall back asleep. Blowing my nose would hurt and when successful, almost all of it was blood! Hard, bloody, boogers. I know, gross, but this is real pregnancy life! Apparently, being pregnant can cause bad congestion and bloody noses, so I knew it was normal, but after over a week of not being able to breathe during the day and night, I felt like I was going crazy. We bought a humidifier, I rinsed my nose with saline solutions, I slept with my head elevated, and I even tried putting Vaseline inside my nose with a q-tip to moisturize it. Some of these things helped for a little while, but then my nose would just be clogged again and I was still waking up in the middle of the night not being able to breathe. Finally, at my first appointment with my midwife, I told her my problem and she prescribed me Flonase. I picked up the bottle, and after first puff, I felt immediately better. But I haven’t taken any medication at all since I found out about this little one, so I started doing some research and wasn't happy about the little information I found. Basically, it’s considered okay because it’s localized in the nose area and it should diffuse there before it gets close to the baby, but the FDA puts it in category C, which means there just hasn’t been enough tests done on it to say for one hundred percent sure that it’s okay for the fetus. Apparently it’s prescribed all the time to pregnant ladies, but I don’t like it! The more I read about the experiments (only on mice and rats so far), the more paranoid I became. I called the pharmacist and he told me that it’s fine, but I’m still not feeling completely okay, and wondering if I should try something else. I’m conflicted because this thing is actually helping me be able to breathe and sleep at night, but if there is even the smallest tiniest possibility that it could effect baby, it freaks me out! Anyone have any thoughts/insight or experience using nasal sprays while pregnant?

I think compared to throwing up all the time, this is probably the lesser of two evils, but boy, it puts some perspective on the little things that I take for granted (like breathing) and makes me feel incredible grateful for all of my facilities when they are working well.


Here's hoping for less anxiety and better breathing,
C

thinking about turquoise and gold, sunlight, and peonies

I love this aqua and gold striped vase from Up in the Air Somewhere. I like its style of modern with a dash of vintage. I can totally imagine it on a dining room table or a side table with bouquet of white or pink peonies, can't you?

Valentine's Day is a really good excuse to eat out

Kenrique and I went on a little Valentine’s date this past weekend. Despite the fact that we both kind of wanted to wear sweatshirts and sweatpants because the weather decided to act like winter all of a sudden, I put on a polka dot dress and Kenrique spiffed it up with a tie for the occasion. Because we are party people when we need to be, that’s why.

We went to dinner at a place called The Water Grill; the ambience was nice, the food was pretty good, and my date was the best. I told him about how I was worried about the weird things I had recently learned about breastfeeding, he was a great listener, and we talked about the future. I got a petit mignon because my body said so, and I felt happy imagining the little one absorbing the nutrients from that medium-well cooked piece of steak. Kenrique had the grilled ribeye steak with horseradish potato croquettes, asparagus, cremini mushroom demi glace. We also had the calamari to start it all off.

Hey now, everyday is love day, and Valentine's is kind of a weird holiday, but I'm going to go ahead anyways and say that this being in love in a marriage is pretty much the coolest thing ever. I’m experiencing first hand what it means to love someone more today than yesterday, and I am thankful that I get to be part of a marriage that is maturing and constantly growing. It’s not that marriage is always a breeze, but I think the fact that you have to work on a marriage make the benefits all the more enjoyable.

Also, I got pretty lucky with the guy I decided to do this marriage thing with, too. He always makes me laugh and he loves me really well (also, isn't he handsome!). I am kind of crazy excited about seeing him be a dad.

16 weeks…

…is an even four months!

16 weeks of baby growing means that it is now the size of a turnip, all of 5 inches and 5 ounces, and the coolest thing about its development at this point is that the baby can HEAR! With its ears! That is kind of thrilling, no? Ken, Rusty and I take turns saying hello to my stomach. It is already learning things about the world it is going to come out into.

I am glad to report that I have now fully absorbed and gotten used to the idea of growing a little one. It’s taken a good 3 months for the idea to seep in, but I am at a good place right now. I’m even starting to get the teensiest bit antsy already to meet the baby. Baby, I’m not in denial anymore, you can come out! It’s strange to think there is five more months of this, but it’s a very necessary five months, especially in terms of finances. Besides all the usual preparations, it feels like husband and I are bonding and getting closer over this and I think it’s a type of bond that is going to be important for carrying us into parenthood.

Many, many things to learn, and I am doing some of that as I go, but right now I should just focus on figuring out how to transition my clothes into ones that will accommodate my stretching stomach. I feel super werid in clothes, which results in a little too much time staring into my closet to figure out what I can wear. I am down to one pair of pants that fit me, and I have been resorting to those almost every day. I have gotten the belly band, but I haven’t quite gotten the hang of it yet. I feel all kinds of awkward wearing that around.

- At 4 months -

Pros: bigger boobs, I’m not wasting calories on wine or beer,
and I am extremely aware of what/how I eat
Cons: congestion and dry nose, sensitive gums, tight pants,
and peeing too many times a day
Currently craving: fruit, more fruit, fried things,
and I can't get enough Simply brand apple juice
Outlook on the coming of baby: positive
Feelings about husband: very positive

somtimes lovely ladies get together and do lovely lady things

Last Friday, there was a small shower for our friend Meghan (who is getting married in a month!), just for the purpose of making sure she had the appropriate lingerie, encouragement, and such things to carry her over the threshold, if you will. A lovely set up and a wonderful time with the ladies!































*don't worry, these weren't the gifts we got her ;)

how about a little more tostones in your life

This post isn't really about much else except that sometimes a girl needs a little tostones in her life. with honey. and hot sauce. Thank goodness RVA has KubaKuba, a little hole-in-the-wall Cuban place that makes living in the medium-sized city just that much nicer. I pretty much love everything on this menu. The other day, I happily met some friends there for a catch-up meal and happily ate my tostones. Also consumed by myself and company: red pepper & artichoke omelet, giant avocado salad, and red beans and rice.







Don't you just want to shove everything in your face? Especially that avocado salad?



Also, inspired by the cornbread we got there I decided to make some myself along with a white chicken chili recipe I've been meaning to try. I tried a friend's cornbread recipe once, which was essentially the Jiffy cornbread mix, a couple of eggs, milk, and bacon grease, and it was somehow the perfect cornbread. Me being without bacon grease on hand and too lazy to whip up some bacon just to get some, decided to go the route of adding some sour cream. I also put in some creamed corn for extra measure, and it was almost a success. Next time though, I may go without the creamed corn, it made it a little too moist and sweet (but if that's your game, right on).



I tried the white chicken chili more out of curiosity than anything else, and all in all, I liked it. It was a little too creamy for copious amounts of eating and i dearly missed my tomatoes in the classic chili style, but it was a good venture. I mixed together shredded chicken, chicken stock, chopped up green chili, three cans of great northern beans (one pureed), a can of white corn, half a can of creamed corn, pepper jack cheese, and spices (oregano, cumin, salt, garlic powder). After one round of tasting, I added in celery and red pepper to give it more crunch and texture, and it was all the better for it.

Grapefruit jewels and why you should drink lemon water

All of a sudden you realize, everything you eat, the baby eats! And the responsibility is like, whoa. And now I’m thinking about things like, 100 grams of protein? How much iron is in these dried apricots? Am I getting enough vitamin C? FINE, I’ll get out of bed to take the pre-natal vitamin I forgot to take today. Etc. etc.

Speaking of the Vitamin C - besides my recent addiction of eating whole grapefruits (Costco has the best ones), I’ve gotten into the habit of having water with lemon squeezed into it every morning. I love it because I haven’t been drinking coffee, which is usually what motivates me to leave the house in the morning, and somehow this citrus boost in my water gives me a perk AND gets me to drink a lot of water first thing in the morning. Apparently, there are a host of other benefits too, all of which I am a fan:

1. Boosts immune system
2. Lemons are high in potassium which stimulates brain and nerve function and helps control blood pressure (good for pregnant ladies)
3. Balances your body’s pH
4. Some people think it helps with weight loss
5. Helps digestion! Which could help with heartburn and constipation.
6. Apparently its also a diuretic – which is good for cleansing toxins, but not as good for a pregnant lady that already goes to the bathroom way too much.
7. Clears your skin
8. Freshens breath, but be careful, the citric acid could erode tooth enamel, so don’t go overboard.

Sources here, here.

The list goes on and on. Do your own research and try it. Aaand one more thing that has a whole ton of Vitamin C and is a whole ton of delicious: kiwi juice. Get on it.

A few things I’ve learned so far

14 weeks! and the baby is the size of an orange

1. At first, when your bump is growing, it feels more like you are harboring a muffin top instead of a bebe.
   
2. EXHAUSTION usually wins. Sleep is my best friend.
   
3. The first check-up at 8 weeks is a long one. For all check-ups, be ready to feel vulnerable.
   
4. The list of foods-to-avoid gets ever so long.
5. It is good to do research and get recommendations on OBYNs and hospitals. It’s okay feel lost at first.
6. Tears come more readily.
7. I can’t eat green spinach anymore.
8. Pre-natal vitamins are gross.
9. Worrying about what’s going to happen to my body is totally normal.
10. It IS possible for me to go to the bathroom more than I usually do!
11. It is fun going through this with husband.
    
12. This is kind of an adventure.
    

new life

I have this very small, perhaps irrational fear, of pregnant ladies. I don’t know if anyone else feels this way, but I attribute it to a combination of things. It’s probably partly because the concept of growing a belly was foreign to me, something that I had yet to learn fully about or experience. Maybe it had something to do with how the baby bump is a giant blatant symbol of a life-change and I felt overwhelmed just trying to imagine what the woman was going through. It also probably had to do with a fear that the woman would go into labor and that I would have no idea what to do. It may also have something to do with how I felt when I came across an ostrich egg.

The first time I saw an ostrich egg was at a Whole Foods in NYC. It was huge, maybe a little smaller than a volleyball. I picked it up, and it was heavy, and felt smooth and glossy to the touch. I also instantly felt strange. I had picked up a chicken egg before, and knew what it felt like, and rarely did I shake the egg and think, hm, a tiny chick could have grown up in here. But that’s what I did with the ostrich egg. And I pictured an ostrich, laying these eggs, and then hatching little baby ostriches, or, in this case, being taken to the grocery store. I felt like I was breaking a rule by holding an ostrich egg. The thoughts going through my head were, 'An ostrich??' 'An ostrich lays eggs?' 'An ostrich lays eggs this big?' It was a poignant moment of feeling a mix of awe, discomfort, nausea and fascination.

I share all this because it is all extremely relevant to me right now, seeing as I'm PREGNANT! Yes, I am now one of them pregnant ladies. Espousing fear of pregnant women may be a strange way to announce my own pregnancy, but this is real life! And I guess what I’m saying is, in a roundabout way through a silly story about ostrich eggs, that I feel both fear and wonder in my heart when I think about how a person can grow another human being inside of themselves. I mean, as normal as it is, it is wild. When people ask me if I am happy about this baby, I think the most accurate answer right now is that I'm still in awe of the fact that there IS a baby. The first few months have definitely been a mixed feeling of awe, discomfort, nausea (barely any, thank God), and fascination. I always wanted to have a family and I am enthralled by the idea of meeting this new little person, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that it blows my mind. I know I’m not giving birth to Jesus, and yes, this is perhaps an disporportinate comparison, but sometimes I feel like Mary must have felt when the angel came to tell her that she was going to give birth to Jesus. NOT the, ‘Wait, but I’m a virgin….’ part, or ‘Savior of the world, what?’, but the ‘WHO, ME?!??!’ part. I sometimes feel like looking around and saying, ‘Wait, seriously, me? A baby? A human baby??’ As much as I feel blessed to be given this responsibility and gift, I also feel unworthy to be a mom to a whole other person. I am realizing how much I need and will need the help and encouragement of my husband and people around me, and most of all, the daily grace to grow into this new identity.

I am excited, especially when I think about what it means to grow a family with K. After thinking about it for a while, I think this is a very honest way for me to deal with this - I feel awe and a slight twinge of fear when I think about what the baby means to who I am, I feel excitement when I think about meeting baby, and I feel joy when I think about raising the baby together with a husband in a family. All in all, this gestation time for the baby has been the best sort of a prepartion time for me - to humble me, to grow in me a deeper gratitude and wider perspective, and to get me back to the place yet again where I relearn how to trust... and you know what? I am more than okay with that.

me at 10 weeks. plus a little bit of rusty in the corner

mind's break

Public diary, if that's what you are, I apologize for neglecting you. And the public, if you are out there, I guess this entry is me explaining why I've been taken extended amounts of time away from blogging. I especially make note because I can't help notice the vast contrast between the enthusiastic holiday posts of last year compared to silence of this year. I usually like blogging even more during the holidays because the crafty activities and cooking dishes abound (See here, here, here, and here) but this year, even though there were plenty of craftiness and cooking, I didn't have the spare energy to write about it.

This year, I've had the kind of past two months that have me feeling, almost every morning, like I just might not make it through the day. I am tired.all.the.time. and anxiety is always waiting behind dark corners to jump and stomp on my resolve. That sneaky bugger. The thing that makes it worse, is that I try fight off the exhaustion and anxiety with my own strength, which makes me more tired. See the problem? And the cold really isn't helping.

I shall not detail the woes here, but make clear that I need a vacation. Not a going-away-vacation (not right now, at least). What I need is a stay-cation, where I can stay at home and mostly sleep. For the sake of fantasy, self-therapy, and fun, I thought specifically about what that week of stay-cation might look like. Here it is.

Sunday: Go to church, and then to the grocery where I stock up on a week's worth of fruits and vegetables, as much as I want. It would be warm outside, and there would be grass (yes, I know its winter. it's my fantasy, leave me alone) and I would find a patch of really green grass on a roof of a low building, where I would take a blanket to take an outside afternoon nap in the sun. Then I would go to Target to browse, and then go home to try baking some black-bean brownies. A bath, then sleep.

Monday: After 9-10 hours of sleep, I make a giant bowl of fruit salad and eat it while watching one of the documentaries on our Netflix queue. Then I go to the library or bookstore to get a stack of books I've been meaning to read. I come home and put M.Ward's Hold Time album through the speakers and organize my life, i.e. closet, and get rid of the excess. Then I'll spend the rest of the night reading a book while eating bread, cheese, grapes, and salami.

Tuesday: After 9-10 hours of sleep, I take my laptop to a café that has big tables and huge windows and spend most of the day writing. I write half of a short story and feel good about it. Then I go to a craft store and get some new brushes, pick up some newspapers, and go home to spend the night painting while listening to French love songs.

Wednesday: After 9-10 hours of sleep, I either go to the gym, or walk with Rusty to Cary Town and do some window shopping. I hit up the thrift stores and snag some great finds. I go to Whole Foods to get a fruit pastry and eat the whole thing by myself while reading another book, maybe two. If there is time, I start on the DIY cheese-making kit.

Thursday: After 9-10 hours of sleep, I spend the morning looking for jobs and grad programs, dreaming of a career, reading blogs and maybe some online shopping. I spend the rest of the afternoon finishing my short story. At night, I watch a good movie, take a bath, and have a DIY spa session.

Friday: After 9-10 hours of sleep, I do some yoga or pilates. I do some more painting while listening to electronica and then spend the rest of the day practicing on the sewing machine. I learn how to make a skirt. At night, my husband takes me out on a date where we eat a delicious steak with the perfect wine, and then we go to an art gallery where they have a local band playing clear and honest melodies, and we don't' mind standing to listen because they are just that good.

Saturday: In the morning, after glorious sleep, husband and I go on a walk/jog with Rusty, or go play some volleyball, or go do some WOD exercises. We come home to a shower and then spend the afternoon playing Magic, eat sushi for dinner, and then watch an excellent movie at night.

The end.

After a week like that, I might be ready to go back to real life. And see, just writing about it helps a teeny tiny bit.