new life

I have this very small, perhaps irrational fear, of pregnant ladies. I don’t know if anyone else feels this way, but I attribute it to a combination of things. It’s probably partly because the concept of growing a belly was foreign to me, something that I had yet to learn fully about or experience. Maybe it had something to do with how the baby bump is a giant blatant symbol of a life-change and I felt overwhelmed just trying to imagine what the woman was going through. It also probably had to do with a fear that the woman would go into labor and that I would have no idea what to do. It may also have something to do with how I felt when I came across an ostrich egg.

The first time I saw an ostrich egg was at a Whole Foods in NYC. It was huge, maybe a little smaller than a volleyball. I picked it up, and it was heavy, and felt smooth and glossy to the touch. I also instantly felt strange. I had picked up a chicken egg before, and knew what it felt like, and rarely did I shake the egg and think, hm, a tiny chick could have grown up in here. But that’s what I did with the ostrich egg. And I pictured an ostrich, laying these eggs, and then hatching little baby ostriches, or, in this case, being taken to the grocery store. I felt like I was breaking a rule by holding an ostrich egg. The thoughts going through my head were, 'An ostrich??' 'An ostrich lays eggs?' 'An ostrich lays eggs this big?' It was a poignant moment of feeling a mix of awe, discomfort, nausea and fascination.

I share all this because it is all extremely relevant to me right now, seeing as I'm PREGNANT! Yes, I am now one of them pregnant ladies. Espousing fear of pregnant women may be a strange way to announce my own pregnancy, but this is real life! And I guess what I’m saying is, in a roundabout way through a silly story about ostrich eggs, that I feel both fear and wonder in my heart when I think about how a person can grow another human being inside of themselves. I mean, as normal as it is, it is wild. When people ask me if I am happy about this baby, I think the most accurate answer right now is that I'm still in awe of the fact that there IS a baby. The first few months have definitely been a mixed feeling of awe, discomfort, nausea (barely any, thank God), and fascination. I always wanted to have a family and I am enthralled by the idea of meeting this new little person, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that it blows my mind. I know I’m not giving birth to Jesus, and yes, this is perhaps an disporportinate comparison, but sometimes I feel like Mary must have felt when the angel came to tell her that she was going to give birth to Jesus. NOT the, ‘Wait, but I’m a virgin….’ part, or ‘Savior of the world, what?’, but the ‘WHO, ME?!??!’ part. I sometimes feel like looking around and saying, ‘Wait, seriously, me? A baby? A human baby??’ As much as I feel blessed to be given this responsibility and gift, I also feel unworthy to be a mom to a whole other person. I am realizing how much I need and will need the help and encouragement of my husband and people around me, and most of all, the daily grace to grow into this new identity.

I am excited, especially when I think about what it means to grow a family with K. After thinking about it for a while, I think this is a very honest way for me to deal with this - I feel awe and a slight twinge of fear when I think about what the baby means to who I am, I feel excitement when I think about meeting baby, and I feel joy when I think about raising the baby together with a husband in a family. All in all, this gestation time for the baby has been the best sort of a prepartion time for me - to humble me, to grow in me a deeper gratitude and wider perspective, and to get me back to the place yet again where I relearn how to trust... and you know what? I am more than okay with that.

me at 10 weeks. plus a little bit of rusty in the corner