WAITING AND WATCHING

I've been waking up 4-5 times these days in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.  That's real.

I remember how annoyed I used to be about this during my first pregnancy, but this time around, it doesn't seem that big of a deal.  I also can't help acknowledge that it really is conditioning my body for all the night time feedings I'm going to have to get up for when the baby is here. (People used to tell me this during the first pregnancy, and I would think, 'yes, but what about sleep????')

On one of those nightly trips a few days ago, I got back in bed and couldn't fall back asleep. My mind was wide awake and racing with thoughts

So, this is what it's going to be like waking up when it's dark to nurse. 

My thoughts are so loud when there is no one else awake.

I can't wait to meet this baby.

When am I going to pump? Arg I hate pumping. 

We need to budget. 

What are we going to do about schools? 

I need to make more money. 

Where can we cut down?

I need to finish that email. 

I want a career.  I want to eventually be financially capable so that we can give. 

I need to make sure I spend intentional time, even if it's brief, with Sloane every day after the baby comes. 

I should go back to sleep. 

I should get some writing done. 

Should we have acai smoothie bowls for breakfast again? 

I should have quiet time. 

I'm afraid my maternity leave is going to go by too fast. 

Remember how awful it was to recover from the last pregnancy? 

Why are we doing this again? 

It's going to be amazing seeing Sloane with her sister. 

Is Ken going to be ok? 

Why does two weeks feel like an eternity? And why am I in such a hurry? I want to enjoy this time. 



I ended getting out of bed, I couldn't go back to sleep. It was early, but I had gone to slee pretty early the night before and so I started getting ready for the day. I got a lot done that morning; it was quiet, peaceful and I was able to quell some of the anxiety by getting stuff done, writing, and meditating on the present moment. That quiet hour before everyone else wakes and the rush begins is so pregnant with potential - of raw energy, of the privacy to lay down my despair, of the space to reach for humility and seek peace. 

Is the secret to sanity going to sleep early and waking up early?  Maybe.

Speaking of acai smoothie bowls, Sloane and I are a little bit addicted. We have had it for three mornings in a row now.

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3

I mix up the frozen acai pack with frozen banana, frozen blueberry, a little almond milk, plain yogurt and some flax seed and then we have been topping it with granola and the fruit we have on hand. It's filling and delicious.

And speaking of a certain kind of humility and relinquishing, especially when struggling to find peace, my friend sent me this link, which has this video in it.  It totally floors me.

Another friend, who was my doula for my first birth and will be again for this one, came over later that night and we talked through some of my current feelings and expectations for this labor. She is wonderful and by the end of it, a lot of my antsy-ness had dissipated, as if I needed someone to officially tell me I didn't need to be antsy anymore. In due time, things will happen. There IS a perfect timing. 

Today is Friday and I find myself okay with the pace of these days: anticipating whilst being glad for the waiting.