GOOD BONES

All week, I ached to lie down on a blanket with my babies and welcome the sun into our little circle. We had plans for the park but it was closed so we let the girls lounge about for a little bit while Sloane shared her book with friends, and then went off to the playground for sweaty romps through pretend forests and dives in the imaginary sea. 

So here's where I am. I'm incredibly sad about the news from last week regarding more incidents of police shootings - black people being profiled and shot by police officers, and about police officers being targeted and killed. The sadness feels endless. 

I wasn't going to write anything at all for fear of it being trite and pat, but writing is how I process and I need to process this. This is my point of view.  

It stunned me because I viscerally felt in my chest, my bones, how unfair it is. I'm not saying we live in a world where all things are fair, I'm saying we live in a world where we look back at horrific injustices that have happened in the past and say "Oh thank God we have come a long way from that" ...until a moment where we realize we haven't. We really haven't.

I imagine a different world, where I get into a car, I'm driving around and then I'm  stopped by a police officer. Being stopped by a cop in itself is a harrowing experience, but then I imagine it is a white or black cop and he is looking at me with eyes that first see the color of my skin, Asian, and that in this different world, Asian is a color that carries with it the weight of history, of injustice, of violence, and in that moment I can see the instant judgement in his eyes, using his own personal experiences as his road map, and I can't do anything about it in that moment to change his mind. I imagine the fear - of being detained, of the unknown, of wanting to do the right thing, of the anger that boils at the surface, of the confusion, the miscommunication. And then, just like that, a shot, mistake that can never ever be reversed, and the whole world shifts. 

I'm proud to be an Korean-American, happy to be Korean, to be Asian, to be American, to be a traveler, and now to be a Richmonder. I'm grateful for the community we have of various people. I'm delighted by our differences. Because that's part of what makes America wonderful, right? The different stories? The way that varying people of all backgrounds and races and ethnicities and socio-economic status can have a story and be heard in a country like this? It is...Until it isn't.

I don't know what it's like to be a police officer, but I imagine that there is fear on that side too. Fear of who might be in the car, of not being able to go home that night to your wife and kids. It can be terrifying and can make you do stupid things. But it's a different kind of fear than the one that is living in the person who doesn't have the authority to make a person get out of a car and put their hands in the air. It's different than a fear that lives in a person already marginalized by society. 

I also don't know what it means to be black. Asian is different than black, especially in this country, and most of my grief comes from imagining what it would be like to carry a burden that is yours, but also not yours. To feel like you're yelling, but not being heard. To wake up and hear about a horrific tragic thing that could have been you, for no reason at all except for the color of skin.

Fear can be helpful, or it can be completely irrational. One thing I know: fear does not justify racism. 

There's more because it's not only about race - oh yes it is VERY much about race, but it's also about who has the power. There are black police officers who let fear and racism dictate their decisions, too. There are Latino and Asian cops that were shot down in their car last December by a black man who expressed anger about police shootings of Eric Garner and Michael Brown. A month later, a white policeman was ambushed in his car and shot by a man who felt a similar anger. And so many more incidents of retaliations and probably even more incidents of unjust stops and killings that we don't know about. It's complicated but it's also extra heavy because the kind of racism that comes up in these sorts of cases is intertwined with a power issue: who has it and who doesn't. And why.

Here's the thing, and this might not sit with everyone's politics, but it's my soapbox. What we need is education and conversations to open our eyes to the reality of racism, and to teach and practice true empathy. We need to listen to each other, and more than that: we need to seek out the voices and stories that will help us understand. And there is also a kind of racism - not all, but a kind - that comes from economic inequality that feeds into the fear, and by that I mean that there is a majority of black people in prisons, in the projects, panhandling on the streets, playing the bad guys on tv shows about bad neighborhoods and drugs and guns and so on. Whether you believe that is a result of social construct, politics, or laziness, it doesn't matter, let's use every single means available to diminish that disparity. 

And here is why I believe that: because my faith clings to a Savior who came to redeem us, who came to provide reconciliation for all people, but while he was here, he was especially passionate for the marginalized of society. He preached hope for all people, but I think his favorite people to preach this hope to were the ones who needed it the most - the people on the outskirts. I love him for that. 

This post is a post about something incredibly real and sad and it also has photos of my kids at a playground. Which seems real. That's the juxtaposition of my life. Because I'm processing all of this as a citizen of this country and of this world, but I can't help also process it as a parent. I think about how this is the world I must raise them in and I am forced to consider how I will explain things to them. Most importantly, how I will explain hope to them. 

You know what my epic life is going to be? It's going to be raising these children, and creating moments of community and letting each of those moments feed this hope monster that lives inside all of us, starving for attention and nourishment. I think my job both as a citizen and as a parent is feed this hope monster: with words, discussions, speaking up, supporting programs, laws, protests, education- whatever it takes. 

I've been reading this poem over and over again after a friend sent it my way a couple of weeks ago. It's called "Good Bones" by Maggie Smith, who is also a mother. It resonates so loud and deep within my sadness, and helps me hope.

Life is short, though I keep this from my children.

Life is short, and I’ve shortened mine

in a thousand delicious, ill-advised ways,

a thousand deliciously ill-advised ways

I’ll keep from my children. The world is at least

fifty percent terrible, and that’s a conservative

estimate, though I keep this from my children.

For every bird there is a stone thrown at a bird.

For every loved child, a child broken, bagged,

sunk in a lake. Life is short and the world

is at least half terrible, and for every kind

stranger, there is one who would break you,

though I keep this from my children. I am trying

to sell them the world. Any decent realtor,

walking you through a real shithole, chirps on

about good bones: This place could be beautiful,

right? You could make this place beautiful.

LOGAN TURNS ONE YEAR OLD

This little sweet ball of sunshine turned ONE YEAR OLD yesterday. She brings us all so much joy and I am overcome with gratitude reflecting on our lives with her this past year. 

I am going to share a ton of photos from Logan's birthday celebration this past weekend in another post, but here are some pictures we took the day after with her watermelon balloon, dress and toy that she opened the day before. 

These are the same green puffs I had for Sloane's one year birthday...and Sloane actually took this photo!

At one year, she is walking around like a champ, hurrying to keep up with Sloane and Rusty, navigating rough terrains, and getting faster and more savvy.

Speaking of Rusty, she is very interested in him and wants to hug and pat him as much as possible. She makes this cooing noise, which sounds sort of like a baby wolf, when she sees him. This sound also comes out around her favorite stuffed animals. It's the most adorable thing ever.



She blabbers on and points emphatically as if she is talking and gesturing, so passionately that she must really believe she is getting her point across. She is very good with her hellos and goodbyes, sounding out the "buh buh byes", waving in a arm pumping motion that comes out even around strangers.

She is so used to me asking her to raise her arms when I say, "hip hip hooray" for photos that sometimes her arms will automatically go up when she sees that I am about to take a photo. It cracks me up.

I love taking her with me everywhere I go. Slung around my hip, her arms clutching my arm, sitting in front of me in the grocery cart, toddling around - she is mobile, strong but still needs her mama.

We get to spend a few minutes at the end of each day, just me and her, before I put her to bed, looking at each other with her on my lap. We make funny faces, touch each other's faces, speak through all the sounds, sing songs, make each other laugh, and read through a book. It's such precious time with her that I cherish and look forward to all day.

And speaking of sleep, she is doing great sleeping all night and falling back asleep when she does wake up. She is still an early riser, but lately she's been sleeping later and she still always wakes up happy.

That face!! She is pure delight. 

SUMMER SALADS I WANT TO EAT RIGHT NOW

Fresh salads seem like a luxury these days, but the heat has me hankering after a giant bowl of raw vegetables and fruit and I'm resolved to make one or all of these combinations happen very soon.

Kale and Granny Smith Apple Salad: I love the idea of dressing up kale and apple with coconut yogurt and lemon. 

Watermelon Salsa: it's not salad, but I'll eat it with a bowl and spoon as if it is.

Broccoli Salad: I've been craving a hearty broccoli salad recently. This might do the trick.

Kale Pesto Pasta Salad: Seems easy, it's green and it involves orzo. 

Chilaquiles! Yeah.... not a salad, but it kind of looks like a salad? 

VISITING WEST L.A. - PART 2

It's only been about a week and I've already had feelings of nostalgia for my trip. I miss my friends, I miss the potential for discoveries around every corner and I miss the food. I especially miss the weather, I've had several daydreams about it.

I didn't expect to like Los Angeles as much as I did, much less miss it when I went away. But I do! I love the expansiveness of it and how the air tells you to settle down, relax, don't worry. I love the brimming ideas, the sunshine and all of the pretty things. I've heard that the superficiality is the biggest downfall of this city, and I believe it, but I also only met truly delightful people, and all of the pretty things served to inspire me, not foster any discontentment or resentment.

The morning after the wedding, first and foremost on my mind was coffee. Intelligentsia is exactly how I imagined it but even more beards; the coffee was expensive and delicious. Janie and I spent over an hour here talking and people watching, before we headed over to the Venice board walk so that I could get my hands on the second thing on my mind: a poke bowl.

I could eat this every day!! I ate all of mine and then finished Janie's. Should I stuff in one more, I wondered?

Instead, I decided on an acai bowl and ate that all up.  I love this stuff. Sloane and I made this almost everyday last summer because we are crazy about fruit and you can make it as nutritious as you want. I'm going to get my hands on some more acai so we can start that back up again.

We headed back over to Abbot Kinney, a street with great shops and restaurants, where first order of business was ice cream at Salt & Straw. You know what, I should have eaten more ice cream on this trip!

I couldn't get over the houses on the streets nearby Abbot Kinney. I could have spent a whole day just gawking over all the beautiful houses and the flora around it. 

Abbot Kinney has some amazing shops, as well as street art and food. I loved my afternoon here so hard. I found everything inspiring and it got my creative juices pumping.  I didn't take photos of every shop we were in - although I wish I had!

Urbanic was probably one of my favorite places - I love paper products and this store had so many beautiful things.

I have it in my mind that I'm going to somehow work a giant yellow triangle into somewhere in my house..

The reason a street like this is exciting for me is because I love seeing the interiors of these various places - not just the products they sell but how they set things up.  

Not included in these photos are: visiting Hilary's place, visiting Soonie's place, driving by Venice Canals, driving around in L.A., the music I listened to while driving around, the delicious Chinese food we had for dinner for my last meal, and the Persian dinner for my first meal there - all things that helped make my trip there so wonderful.  It was a short trip, but it pretty much guaranteed that I wanted to come back someday. 

Goodbye, L.A.  Until next time...! 

VISITING WEST L.A. - PART 1

I had anxiety about leaving Logan in order to go on this trip. She is still nursing, she's younger than when I first left Sloane, and this would be for several nights instead of just one - but the anxiety still caught me by surprise. I love any chance to travel so this nervousness felt uncharacteristic and I worried that I wouldn't be able to fully enjoy the trip. 

The best way I can describe the anxiety is to say that it is akin to being told that your left arm will stay behind at home while you travel and don't worry it will be totally fine, just enjoy yourself. That's how much your baby feels like a part of your physical being ! It's crazy. But I'm happy to report that my fears turned out to be totally unfounded, I had an amazing time, it turned out that Logan didn't get depressed and sad about me being away - Ken and Ken's mom (and Sloane!) did a great job taking care of her - and the reunion afterwards was incredibly sweet. 

The week before I left was madness. I worked 10 hour days, prepped all of Logan's food, left detailed instructions, packed and tried to wrap my mind around pumping all weekend while on the go (with a hand pump for the first time!). But as soon as I got to the airport, a calm settled over me. It was like slipping into a familiar old coat that brings with it a rush of smells and memories; I remembered I really love traveling.

I love how travel takes you out of the norm, how it alters your brain, heightens your senses and tinges everything with anticipation. There was an extra layer of newness because it was the first in a long while that I had traveled alone. There was no distractions, no babies to worry about, no worrying about everyone else. It was just me. 

And I felt creative. I tried to figure out why - was it the absence of children? Surely not, because they often fuel my creativity. I soon realized it's the lack of interruption. I was able to have several whole thoughts flesh out and I marveled at the space to stretch out all of my mind's limbs. Apparently my mind has limbs!



Am I going to be able to record everything here? Probably not. But I'll try my best, because I consider my travel complete once I've documented it. The reflection is part of the joy of it, just as the planning is. 

I specify here "west L.A." because Los Angeles is huge! My list of things I wanted to explore there was very long, so for the sake of time and sanity, and in order to maximize my enjoyment of what I could see, I decided to stay local to my Airbnb, which was in Westwood and roam around Santa Monica and Venice to the best of my abilities. Luckily, my very dear high school friend lived nearby and I got my wish of hanging out with her as much as possible. 

Here are a collection of the photos I took - both with my DSLR and iPhone. These photos are mostly all from Saturday, the second day I was there, and I'll do another post about Sunday's highlights. 

The photos above are from the Airbnb we stayed at - which was spectacular. The location was good, the space was wonderful and tasteful and best of all, the host was incredibly sweet. She was an older French woman who made me feel welcomed and comfortable, and instantly gave me a great impression of L.A. I took full advantage of her outdoor space and expresso machine, and I also took too many photos of all the plants in and outside of her building.

Let me just say a quick word about the flora here - it is incredible. I was mouth agape at two things during my visit: the weather and the glorious plants and flowers everywhere. They were so beautifully unique and plentiful. 

I mean, look at the front of my friends' building! That's what it looks like everywhere! 

Also, look at my friends! They make me so happy. That is my bosom friend Hilary and her beau, Alex, and they helped me love L.A. even more. 



Santa Monica is so fresh and clean. It's modern and soft and sunny and breezy. Is that a good enough way to describe it? While comparing it to NYC, my friend Hilary described Santa Monica as the West village and Venice Beach as the East village and that seems pretty spot on. 







We walked over to the farmer's market and all I have are these photos of oranges but it seems appropriate because I spent a lot of time at this stand, taste testing all 10 different kinds of citrus that they had out. I ended up getting oranges, peaches, lemon cucumbers and tomatoes at the market and it was all delicious. 



After the market, we went over to Pono Burger, ate in a fancy tin hut and I gobbled up a scrumptious wasabi inspired burger. 





This is my friend Janie who stayed at the Airbnb with me and became my travel buddy for the weekend. I haven't seen her in about 10 years and we got on as if no time had passed. She flew in all the way from Seoul and I am so glad she was able to be there.

We went to a collection of galleries after lunch called Bergamot Station, which is at a site that used to be a railroad station from 1875-1953. There was a great variety of art and we pranced about, just as happy to be there together as we were about seeing the art. We ended the afternoon with crazy good ice cream! As all summer afternoons should. 



And finally, the reason for my trip!! That afternoon, Janie and I drove out Studio 1342 to celebrate our friend Soonie getting married.  I have known Soonie and Janie since we were about 12 years old, when I moved to Korea from New Jersey and was just about to encounter a severe case of culture shock. We had all come from abroad - Janie from Australia and Soonie and I from the United States - and so our parents put us in a summer program that helped kids in our exact situation to adjust to the different culture and schools (good Lord, the schools). We bonded over being in a new country together, homesickness, as well as preteen angst/joy, and kept in touch over the years. It was awesome to be able to gather together for a wedding party. 

The ceremony was utterly unique. Both sides of the family stood in front of everyone and there were words shared about the bride and groom, blessings for their future, and then the bride and groom spoke to each other about their love for each other and hopes for their marriage. It was genuine and beautiful. 

I was honored to be at their wedding. They are wonderful, these two. They are smart and easy going, adventurous and funny - amazing combinations in an individual and in a marriage. 

A brief word about the food. They had these two amazing food trucks there - Kogi and a chicken and waffle truck (I can't remember the name!) and I stuffed myself silly. I was particularly impressed by the chicken and waffle sandwich - it may have been the best I have ever had!



The wedding venue was dreamy, the food and alcohol were aplenty and I loved being able to be there for a really special time for my friend.  

Congratulations Chris and Soonie!! Thank you for hosting a marvelous party and giving me such a wonderful reason to visit.