AFTERNOON AT GRANDMA'S

Happy Mother's Day! It was one of those weekends, after which Ken and I looked at each other with big eyes, because we survived and because we felt lucky. My brain and heart felt all sweaty from the extra work, and it was almost entirely a good thing.

Last week was tough. Everyone was sick and it felt like moving boulders trying to do the smallest things. Lately, I feel driven extra crazy when I find myself trapped in the middle of a series of menial tasks that don't seem to have an end. This is life with young kids, and this is life with young kids especially when busy. I was thoroughly weary of the hustle last week; being sick obviously exacerbates this feeling. Each day demands that there be a lull in response to the swell, and my weariness allowed (forced?) me to build some of that in where I could. I didn't go work out at all, I slept earlier most of the days, and I even spent one whole hour doing nothing but reading a book (a real one in my hand!) in bed. 

 I am feeling much better now, and hope is near again. But even when I wasn't feeling 100%, and I felt well worn by the effort of things, these babies of mine kept showing up like beams of light. Even when sometimes it is because Logan woke up two times in the middle of the night that I am so worn, it is she who will greet me with the brightest of smiles and laughs, clutch me with her baby hands, snuggle her chubby face into my neck, sing me a song, look at me with a twinkle in her eye, and make me feel loved and purposeful. And Sloane, she so patient with Logan and so helpful to me, but lately I've been feeling like she needs extra time with me and I'm badly craving alone time with her too. Even when there is so much to do, my favorite thing these days has been to snuggle with her at night. She tells me the funniest about her day- things that she observed and thoughts that she had. We whisper them to each other in the dark, and it feels like we are in a secret place, just us. It feels like I am the luckiest person in the world.

I'm taking deep breaths! Trying to be purposeful about the swell and lulls of a day so that I'm enjoying the movements instead of trying to keep up. This week, that means being present with my kids in between work and tasks, and prioritizing instead of trying to do all the things.

These photos are from a couple of weekends ago when we went down to Virginia Beach for Ken's weightlifting competition. We spent the afternoon relaxing at my mother-in-law's house, all of us feeling a sense of peace and contentment, which is what these photos remind me of. 

Rusty did a drawing too. 

This is dad showing us what he was going to look like during his competition. 

This is Sloane showing us her moves. 

And then of course, Lola had to try. 

Lola gearing up for a high five. She will load up like that if she sees you coming in and give you the most satisfying thwack.

A picture with Sloane's great-grandmother! And Lola with her animal counterpart, Maggie! 

KEN'S FIRST WEIGHTLIFTING COMPETITION

Ken had his first weightlifting competition this past weekend!!

I am so proud of him for putting in the work to train and get ready for this competition. It is hard to try something new, it is even harder to put in all the hours to make it happen.  Ken has been doing crossfit for a few years now, but over the past couple of years he really fell in love with the barbell and working towards good form and lifting heavier. This past March he decided to take a break from crossfit and train for weightlifting full time in order to participate in some competitions, and maybe even qualify for Nationals under the Masters standards (35 and older) next year.

Even though this means time away from us (which yes, means I have to pull a little more weight around here. Get it? My own kind of weight!) I have really admired the way Ken has been diligent and steadfast about working towards his goal. It is inspiring for me in my creative endeavors!

To be clear, since most people don't really get what weightlifting is in general (I didn't either!), I'm going to clarify here. What Ken is doing right now is Olympic Weightlifting, where the athlete attempts a maximum weight lift for two different types: 1) the snatch, and 2) the clean and jerk. Each athlete gets three attempts for each. This is what you will see happen at the Olympics.  This is different than Powerlifting, where the three lifts are a squat, bench press, and a deadlift, and the techniques a different as well.  Olympic Weightlifting is also VERY different than body building, which is when a person uses progressive resistant exercise to control and develop musculature, and the competitions consist of posing to show their shape (think Arnold Schwarzenegger).

The really cool thing about all this is the I know exactly what it takes to work on your snatch and clean and jerk because I do them in crossfit. I know how much work it takes to get good form and lift heavier, I know how good it feels to hit your goals, I know how good it feels when that barbell flies up because you practiced so much, I know how bad it feels on a hard day, and I know how mental it can be.   Ken was really nervous on competition day, and so was I! It was a wild rid just being a spectator, knowing how intense those moments can be.  The competition was down in Virginia Beach, so we all went down for the weekend. The girls and I, along with Ken's mom and sister all got to cheer him on.

Here are some photos of the two lifts (I can't remember which attempts they were) -  up first, the snatch!

The clean and jerk!

You can see footage of one of his lifts here with details of how much he lifted.  He got this past week off from training, which was so nice, and he's back training again next week for his next competition in June!  

LOGAN AT 22 MONTHS

This is the most brilliant of times! She still has some of the baby in her (thanks to the extra chub) but she is also growing into a little girl, and seeing both of them in her is so insanely fun. She also makes me feel completely in despair when she wakes up for the third time in the middle of the night with a nightmare, doesn't want to go back to sleep, and it's the fourth night in a row that it has happened. And then she has this amazing ability to make me completely forget that despair with her big grin and happy bounce when I come greet her in the morning. What a world!

She already has some opinions about what she wears, which was not the case for Sloane at her age, but Sloane has a full range of opinions now on her wardrobe, so maybe that is what Lola is picking up on these days. She is especially partial to dinosaurs.

Some of her favorite phrases are "mama up" and "more please" and "my ----- (insert any sort of food or toy that she is claiming at that moment)", and just as of this week I heard her say "I'll do it!" but not too much else. She usually uses one word to communicate and we all pretty much get what she is trying to say. Although sometimes, it's five minutes of "this?" "no." "this?" "no." "do you mean this?" "no."…."this?" "Yes!!!"  I think Sloane was looked back at what Sloane was communicating at 22 months, and apparently she was saying more and stringing words together into sentences at this time. Each kid grows at their own pace and needs and I'm not comparing for the sake of anything else other than reference, but it does make me wonder if Lola doesn't feel a need to do this quite yet because she has an older sister who advocates for her so well.  Birth order? Personality? Fascinating. 

Another thing I've noticed more and more about little Lola is that she usually feels things first before she processes it. Again, this is in contrast to the older one who observes and processes intently and then I usually have to draw out her feelings.  The younger one feels all the things first and I have to help her process what those feelings are.  It's so interesting!

Lola is my love bug, she loves cuddling and I soak it all up. She is extremely squeezeable these days. Interestingly, she really doesn't like cuddling laying down in bed. It's like she feels stifled or is afraid that she will fall asleep or something? She will not cuddle in bed! She does plenty of cuddling, hugging and "tissing" as long as I'm sitting down or upright.

She loves a variety of food, but not all at once. Sometimes she will eat all the green beans and mushrooms on her plate and only a few bites of chicken, other times all she wants to eat is rice, sometimes she wants to eat the spicy broccoli, red cabbage, carrot, and quinoa salad that I'm eating but not her mac and cheese.  One morning she will eat all the roasted zucchini and squash on her breakfast plate but not the eggs, the next morning it's the opposite.  Because I know this about her, I'm consistent in giving her foods that she has refused before, and without fail, she will eventually take to anything I give her.  She is an enthusiastic eater for the most part, and usually eat just as much as Sloane, and usually more.  She will always eat her fruit, in great quantities. Between her, Sloane, and me, we have to capacity to eat a crazy amount of fruit. 

Anytime she notices someone around her eating something different than her, she will get very interested and toddle over to get a glance. "Bite??" She'll say motioning at my plate, which means, "Can I have a bite?" She will try things even when I tell her it's spicy. And then try it again. 

A couple of months ago, we started noticing her pointing out different colors, and recently she has been counting to ten! In pretty much the most adorable way I have ever seen. We also go through and say the alphabet together, although only about half of her letters are comprehensible. 

As much as her full cries can be jarring and exhausting, especially in the middle of the night, there is still a part of me that finds it adorable. She still wants to be held a lot, mostly by me, and will often tuck her head into the space between my head and neck to cuddle. Don't forget this feeling, don't forget this feeling, ill chant to myself as I hold her even tighter to me 

She has this way of making eye contact and smiling at you that is so sweet and charming because it is in a way that really sees you. Although she is still in the phase where she prefers me and her family the most, she loves people, and at daycare apparently she is a social butterfly, rallying troops and making friends with old kids and babies alike. 

I love getting to know her, and these months leading up to two years feels like an especially special time. I love you my little Lola! 

SPRING THOUGHTS (AND ANOTHER SLOANE DANCE VIDEO)

Here is another dance video by Sloane! Don't be surprised if more of these start popping up. This one is an original dance choreography by Sloane to Mozart's Concert no. 21 in C major (and it wasn't even her best version!) She says she's finally feeling ready to sign up for ballet class (I had asked her for the past year with her responding that no she was not quite ready) so we are looking at a summer session for her!

Music is saving my life these days. Spotify, you are just the most stupendous thing ever.

Even though I am perfectly content with the smallness (and when I say smallness I don't mean trivial or insignificant) of my life, the string of busy days presses the question of  - is this what I'm supposed to be doing?

With young kids, the response can go either of two ways. Some days, everything is meaningful. There cannot be a more meaningful task than raising children; the work is purposeful and gratifying. Other days, it is darker. The menial tasks seem endless and it is hard to see how the sum of these things will add up to anything good. Am I seen? 

In these small days, what I want is free time. For the sake of balance, if not for my sanity. I would like to balance all of these agenda filled days with carefree ones.

In these agenda-filled days, I notice my husband. I see him in a way that makes me miss him even when he is next to me, even after I've spent hours talking to him.

In these spring days, I am 8 years old on my bike. I am 16, leaving school with all the windows down. I am 25, dreamy about the possibilities.

In these fast moving days, time is the most precious of treasures. Sometimes, in the middle of such a day, I am gripped by the feeling of time slipping like time through my fingers.  Am I present enough? 

In these precious days, I still occasionally do the thing I started doing when I was turning 20, back when I didn't have that much to lose, of closing my eyes and imagining that all of my possessions and people I love becoming lost to me. I have so much more to lose now. It's jarring but also soothing. It reminds me that my worth and happiness isn't based on what I have or what I do. I am held by a God who knows me. Everything I have and every day I'm awake is undeserved. It makes me work harder, play harder while worrying less.

WHAT MATTERS ON A SATURDAY

What matters on a Saturday is waking up a little later than on the other days. Even if it's by a smudge. I'll even take 10 extra minutes. 

What matters on a Saturday is that we don't rush like crazy to get out the door to work and daycare and that my mind isn't distracted by all the things I need to do at work.

What matters on a Saturday is that it's the day of the South of the James Farmers Market ! And it's one of my favorite ways to spend a Saturday morning. 

What also makes a Saturday special is a delicious breakfast. This past Saturday (and the one before that too) Mignon made us cinnamon scones, blueberry muffins, chicken sausage and duck egg omelettes. There were cinnamon chips in the scones! The duck eggs were from the farm! The chicken sausages were a hit with the girls! And those blueberry muffins were probably the best I've ever had. 

This particular visit to the market, we met up with friends, saw and petted so many dogs, sampled all sorts of goodies, and I came away with whipped local honey, strawberries, and treats for Rusty.

The girls also got popsicles from the King of Pops popsicle cart that is always there. They make some of the best popsicles in my opinion. I wasn't planning on getting Lola any, but she scored a free one and she couldn't have been happier about it (and then later devastated when she dropped her half eaten popsicle). 

Later that day, we went over to a friends house for a BBQ and it was such a sweet time with friends, good food, new babies, and toddlers running all around the yard (their perfectly green grass yard - Ken and I totally have yard envy)! It was a hot day so 

We are all so in love with little Sammie! 

Sweaty hair strands plastered to head. That's going to be a trademark of the upcoming summer.

Logan couldn't get enough of watching the big kids take turn swinging and jumping off the monkey bars.

Of course she had to it too! Even with her cast, she wanted to do it over and over again - climbing up and 'hanging' on the bar the best she could. 

She looks so tiny here. When I check in on her sleeping in her crib, I've been noticing how much more space she is taking up on the mattress because of how long she is getting, and my heart clenches a little - feeling both glad for her growth and also grieving for the loss of her babyhood.

Dinosaur cast, dinosaur shirt, ready to go! After this BBQ, we went to another friend's house for a 2 year old birthday party, so it was a very full and sweaty (so very hot!) day but it was so nice spending all day outdoors together with friends. We all slept well that night, blessed by the sun, riddled with a little bit of allergies (me! I don't know where it came from!), and giddy about more outdoor days to come.