A SUNDAY AFTERNOON

I am heartbroken. I am in a fog. I couldn't bear having to sit there with Ken and watch the news come in Tuesday night, because I knew that this was a very real possibility. I went out to meet friends and I tried to talk about anything but the election. I couldn't stay up to watch the results because I was racked by anxiety and then when I woke up and heard the news, I felt defeated.  I already tend to be pessimistic about American politics, and this made me feel even more hopeless. And yes, it wasn't by popular vote, but I couldn't fight the nagging feeling that this might be what the majority of Americans want. And it made me feel terribly sad. 

I wasn't shocked, I was utterly disappointed. The fact that he got this far meant that he had a chance of winning, I was just really hoping he wouldn't.  

It isn't just about the politics - like I said, I was disillusioned even before this all got started. And it's not even about Trump - even though everything about him hits every nerve for me - he is just one man. It's about what he represents, it's the fact that this win might encourage and empower a certain type of person who spews racism, xenophobia, bigotry, misogyny...and disregards facts and logic. It's because we live in a culture where he can do and say whatever he wants, and not only does he NOT get consequences, but he gets elected president.  And our kids are watching.  

This all is still very emotional for me and I still feel both angry and muted. It makes me not want to interact with anyone. It makes me want to judge people. But I know...that makes me no better than those very people who I judge because of their intolerance to differences. I don't know if I'm at the point yet of accepting this, but today is better than it was yesterday. I want to get there. I want to get to the place of understanding someone who genuinely believes that Trump was the best choice for this country for all the people. I'm working on it. 

Because we have to work together. We have to pay attention and make connections and really listen to each other. That's how we got ourselves into this kind of election year in the first place, by not listening and retreating instead into our little pockets.  

What has been helping me is listening and reading intelligent people articulate their reaction, fears, and next steps. There are a lot of people who I respect who have written vulnerable, intelligent, hopeful and practical articles about this new reality, and it helps me. It helps to remember that there are very smart, reasonable, and experienced people in the government. That there is such a thing as midterm elections in two years. And another presidential election in four. That just as many times as he has said something horrible, there were voices that spoke up against it. That most of the people that I know are fighting for positive change. That we live in a democracy and that different voices really matter. That good can come out of this somehow. That we still have the ability to do the best we can, where we are, and continue to be kind to each other.  That we still have a lot of work to do.  That love does not fail.  I'm clinging. 

These photos are from last weekend, on a Sunday afternoon after a really great weekend with family and friends. I was feeling particularly peaceful and at ease, achey in a way that means my soul is nourished, and we spent the last few hours of sunlight daylight outside watching Ken shoot around, Sloane, Logan and Rusty prancing around him. 

I'm still processing all of it. I'm reading, praying, and having conversations with friends and family.  

 I'm disoriented and that's making me take time to orient myself.  I want to be even more informed and knowledgeable about the world and what I believe in, especially how my faith shapes my worldview. And a big part of this orientation includes putting a lot of thought and care into how I will talk about these things with our kids. Even though this is not how I initially felt - I am glad to be a parent during this time. It keeps me accountable and humble in a way that feels like grace. 

"Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you. Love her, and she will watch over you." - Proverbs 4:6 

CROCKPOT SPAGHETTI SQUASH LASAGNA BOLOGNESE

I love bolognase sauce but rarely make it because of the time require to simmer down the sauce just right...and then I came across this crockpot spaghetti squash bolognese recipe and it feels like a game changer. You sauté the beef, sausage and onions first and then throw it into the crockpot with garlic, tomatoes, tomato paste, and milk and let the crockpot do all the work..and it's really good! It's not as good as Anne Burrell's 5-hour version, but it's much easier. I also love how you can nestle the entire spaghetti squash in there to cook with the sauce, it is brilliant and the easiest way to cook the spaghetti squash. The sauce is versatile: Logan and I ate it with the squash, Ken ate his over rice, Sloane did hers over squash and rice, and next time I'll probably also have some pasta cooked up as well to mix things up.  We had it for dinner last night and I'm eating leftovers for lunch at work today...without the wine, unfortunately. 

Here's hoping we all get through Monday!

WHAT I'M READING V. 18

M is for Magic by Neil Gaiman

The stories are deliciously spooky and it was fitting to be listening to these stories (read by Neil Gaiman!) during the last couple of weeks of October. I strongly dislike horror films but I do like eery stories about magic and ghosts and strange happenings. Think junior-high-campsfire stories, those are my scene: just enough to get the hairs on the back of your neck to stand up but not enough to cause nightmares. It's a fine line I know, but Neil Gaiman pulls it off so artfully here. Best of all, reading these stories made me ache to go write my own magical story.

Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg

This book was first published in 1986, but I had never even heard of it until a friend recommended it to me. I'm only a few chapters in and I appreciated it as soon as I started. Have you guys noticed I've been reading a lot of writing books? It feels like gaining a teacher, a friend. There can never be too much encouragement for this thing that I've claimed as a lifelong pursuit.

Go Tell It on the Mountain by James Baldwin

I saw this on a book list of my sister's, realized I had never read it, and got my hands on a copy. Whew. The writing is gripping and by gripping I mean hands-around-my-heart-hard-to-breathe sort of thing. It's heart-breaking, precise, evocative, mythic, and beautiful. It is one of those books that make you feel depressed knowing you will never be able to write that way, and you drink up all of the words and feel all of the feelings.

The Trouble with Poetry by Billy Collins

Poems have a way of yelling. "WORDS MATTER!" and I love them for that. I especially love this collection of poems. It makes me feel less lonely. A friend pressed this into my hands and I'm probably going to read through this book twice. To give you a taste, this is the introduction to the book. It's called, "You, Reader":

I wonder how you are going to feel
when you find out
that I wrote this instead of you.

That it was I who got up early to sit in the kitchen
and mention with a pen
the rain-soaked windows,
the ivy wallpaper,
and the goldfish circling its bowl.

Go ahead and turn aside
bit your lip and tear out the page
but, listen - it was just a matter of time
before one of us happened
to notice the unlit candles
and the clock humming on the wall.

Plus, nothing happened that morning-
a song on the radio
a car whistling along the road outside

and I was only thinking
about the shakers of salt and pepper
that were standing side by side on a place mat
I wondered if they had become friends
after all these years
or if they were still strangers to one another
like you and I
who manage to be known and unknown
to each other at the same time -

me at this table with a bowl of pears,
you leaning in a doorway somewhere
near some blue hydrangeas, reading this.

AN AFTERNOON IN WONDERLAND

I've always liked Halloween because of the fun of dressing up. It's a wonderful holiday to express creativity and to see others do so as well, but after kids, I found myself wanting to be more deliberate and intentional about the way we celebrated. When you have to explain yourself and the way that you do something to a small child who is in encountering all of these things for the first time, it helps you think about things in a new way and take nothing for granted. This intentionality manifested itself last year, when a few friends who also love stories and love reading with their children, decided to throw a party based on the Peter Pan book for our dress-up celebration. We didn't know if we could pull it off or if everyone would be into it, and we were happily surprised at how well it turned out. The big takeaway from that party was the joy of seeing how excited the kids were about it, and how fun it was that both adults and kids alike were involved in the making and playing of it.

This year we decided on Alice in the Wonderland as our book, and gave everyone a heads up months ahead so that they could start reading with their kids. We enlisted more help this year (which is the way to go for things like this) and I was so grateful for collaboration. I think we would all agree this kind of thing can happen because all of us are equally enthusiastic and committed to it.

I love how doing it this way allows me to deepen my relationship with Sloane as we read and discuss the story together. My favorite part was all the conversations I had with Sloane about the party leading up to it and then afterwards. It is also an unexpected delight to discover that this can deepen my relationship with friends who likewise love the stories, and value engaging with their children and community in this way. 

There are a TON of photos, I think they speak for themselves!