LOGAN AT ONE MONTH

Logan is one month today.

These days... I pick her up and feel the swoosh of love come up my spine and over my shoulder, down my arms and into my hands that hold her.  I hope she feels that swoosh. I nuzzle her warm body into my neck and smell her; she smells like softness. I kiss her face, covering every square inch, as she closes her eyes when she feels my lips come close to her lids.  I hold her and watch her sleep. I hold her and we watch each other.  Hi baby.  Hi mama.

There are days when she goes three hours between feedings, and some nights when she goes four hours and it's wonderful.  Then there are those days and nights when she wants to nurse every two hours and I can feel myself float out of my body from exhaustion and I want to turn to Ken and ask him to take over the nursing for a day...but alas.  I remind myself that this is my job right now, to plump up this baby, to nuzzle her, and to keep feeling these swooshes of love. That's my job, and I revel in it.  I can do this, I remind myself, as I look my older daughter, healthy and brilliant and full of life.  

She is a lot like Sloane at this age, and sometimes my brain thinks I am doing that all over again. They are similar in that they were and are good babies. They eat and sleep without much ado.  But there are differences... Sloane made squawking dinosaur noises, Logan squeaks instead, and also has these adorable baby cooing noises that I never heard from Sloane.  Sloane's cries were loud, while Logan cries are extremely high pitched.  Wow, Ken and I will say looking at each other, eyebrows raised, as Logan hits notes that seem impossible for a human to hit.  Maybe she'll be a singer.

She is getting chunky and rolls are appearing everywhere, on her arms especially, and her cheeks - oh her cheeks - are getting tremendous. She nurses, efficiently, but almost always falls asleep before she's done.  I spend a lot of time trying to wake her up so that she can finish.

It's such a joy to see those fingers and arms plump up. They are still so tiny, though. I finger her feet and they are like pebbles in my hands. Her toes are tiny bubbles. Her fingers are getting stronger and she clutches my shirt as she holds me, as she nurses, as leverage as she tries to lift her head.

I'm really enjoying her right now- how tiny she is, how helpless, how miraculous.  I know from experience that this time goes by so fast and it will become a distant memory that I will try to recall now and then. Thank you God, for this time. Thank you even for how fleeting it is, because I have to learn how to stay in this moment in order to fully take it in. Thank you for how you are going to grow this babe, I will trust in you. 

P. S. For the sake of comparison, Sloane at week 2 and 3...wearing the same onesie!

SLOANE'S THIRD BIRTHDAY PARTY WITH FRIENDS

Sloane turned 3 this past week! The past two years we had celebrated her birthday with just family, but this past year she was acutely aware of 'her friends', had attended friends' parties and was particularly excited about the idea of having her own, so we had ourselves a little birthday party. 

We kept things simple, the main objective being a table with little friends gathered around a birthday cake, singing happy birthday.  We also had read aloud time, because Sloane could sit for hours being read to, the cake was ice cream because Sloane requested it, and the cake was surrounded by animal figurines because she loves all sorts of animals these days. 

It was so much fun to talk about the upcoming party with her - to discuss friends that would come, to talk about the cake, to get excited about everyone singing the happy birthday song together.   I worry sometimes about raising a kid who takes things for granted, and want to teach her how to be gracious, generous and compassionate, so it made me feel proud to see her get serious about handing out party hats to friends, and tell me that she wanted to make sure everyone got a balloon.  She seems to understand that birthdays are special and that special things are that way because they come around only once in a while.  I'm sure she felt special that day, and the day before as we celebrated with family, and I'm so glad for it.

I had this moment during the party of taking stock of the munchkins gathered around and feeling gushes of gratitude for them and their parents that are walking alongside us in this whole adventure of parenthood.  Celebrating these milestones is a precious reminder that this life is so much better lived together with others.  

Plus, it's a great excuse for ice cream cake. 

A WEEKEND WHEREIN I TURNED 32

Can we deal with a few more photos of people holding a tiny babe? I hope so....'cause here they come!

I am a little bit heartsick thinking about how this time inevitably must come to an end: how Logan will not stay this tiny for long, how my parents will go back to Korea, how Ken will go back to work, and how I will need to send Logan off to daycare to go back to work. These days are a precious time, and I know it, which I guess takes the sting away a little bit? Knowing that this is temporary, that it's gold, that I'm appreciating it as much as I possibly can...

My parents have been here for a few weeks now and they are an absolute Godsend - there is nothing like having a toddler and newborn to fully appreciate extra sets of hands, especially if they are hands that are experienced, familiar, wise and will have good conversation with you over coffee. Both my sisters and their guys came down a few weekend ago, to see my parents, and also for my birthday, and also to meet Logan. We spent the day on Saturday catching up over kebabs and summer salads, and cooing over baby. Some of us worked out in the garage (not me), some of us watched "The Butler" (what I saw of it was really good...that Forest Whitaker!), and we ended the day off with another meal at home, birthday cake and some board games. The next day, we went to Perly's for breakfast and I got my birthday breakfast wish: a large fish board with smoked fish and pickled vegetables - it was huge and I pretty much ate the entire thing myself, washing it down with black coffee. Surrounded by my family, my newborn daughter, and good food...it was exactly how I wanted to be ushered into 32.

Fact: it's really hard to hold a newborn up for photos. They are extremely floppy.

P.S. When my family met Sloane, three years ago! for comparison. What do you think, does Logan look like Sloane?

WHAT I'M READING V. 6 (POST PARTUM EDITION 1)

So the last time I was at home with a newborn and figuring out the whole breastfeeding thing (read: hours and hours of being confined to a chair to nurse around the clock ) I watched a lot of Netflix shows, which was great, but this time around I really wanted to get some reading done, and so far, I'm happy to report that it's happening ! I'm actually getting to read, thanks to the combination of the Kindle App and the Overdrive App on my phone - I keep kicking myself for not having used the Overdrive App earlier... it allows you to sign in with your local library card and then you can check out electronic versions of the book, which you can download directly on to your kindle or phone. I still like reading paper versions better, but it can be cumbersome to hold a book in one hand while trying to nurse with the other, and besides, reading on my phone allows me to read when it's dark.

These are the books i read in the past few weeks after baby:

The Girl On the Train, by Paula Hawkins

I started this on a whim and then couldn't put it down. It took me about a day's worth of nursing sessions to get through this because it's an easy read, moves fast and the anticipation of finding out the answer to the mystery holds you captive.

A Meal with Jesus, by Tim Chester

A friend loaned me this book a while ago and I finally got around to reading it and really loved it. It delved deeper into many of the beliefs i hold about how my faith intersects/interacts with things like hospitality, parties, and eating together.

Tenth of December: Stories, by George Saunders 

The way George Saunders writes and crafts his stories is fascinating to me. I particularly appreciate his most recent collection; his tone and style is of some sort of futuristic fairy tale that he pulls off seamlessly.

White Noise, by Don Delillo 

I read this once before during college, so this is a re-read but it felt like I was reading it for the first time. I kept stopping to marvel at how much he is able to get in without it seeming superfluous and the way he is able to describe the contemporary American condition in a wry and darkly humorous that is both critical and nearly sympathetic.