WHAT I'M READING V.3

The temperature was in the 80's all week and I couldn't have been more pleased about it.  A few days this past week I wandered outside during my break at work. I found myself a bench and read while soaking in the sunshine, and then would return back to my desk 15 minutes later, feeling like my innards had gotten bathed.

The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller and Kathy Keller

I started this book a while ago. I picked it up at the bookstore and was skimming through it when I came across a section called, "You Never Marry The Right Person". The section debunks the notion that there is perfection to be found in your partner and instead highlights the maturity and lasting joy of a marriage which is found in things like wanting to serve the other person, looking at your own faults instead of blaming and keeping score and being kind.  "The journey may eventually take you into a strong, tender, joyful marriage. But it's not because you married the perfectly compatible person. That person doesn't exist."

"If two spouses are spending a day together, the question of who gets each's pleasure and who gives in can present itself every few minutes. And when it does, there are three possibilities: You can offer to serve the other with joy, you can make the offer with coldness or resentment, or you can selfishly insist on your own way. Only when both partners are regularly responding to one another in the first way can the marriage thrive."

I'm going through this one slowly, reading a few pages at a time, and it's full of good reminders.

Scary Close by Donald Miller

I was introduced to Donald Miller with Blue Like Jazz over ten years ago, and I remember really appreciating his writing and perspective. He's over 40 now, and I was curious to see how his perspective has evolved and grown. In this book he talks about his struggles with intimacy and really bares the most vulnerable parts of himself.  I also appreciated what he had to say about that 'longing' we all have and what the implications of that in a relationship should be: 

"I'm convinced every person has a longing that will never be fulfilled and it's our job to let it live and breathe and suffer within it as a way of developing our character...What differentiates true Christianity from the pulp many people buy into is that Jesus never offers that completion here on earth. He only asks us to trust him and follow him to the metaphorical wedding we will experience in heaven....I don't know if there's a healthier way for two people to stay in love than to stop using each other to resolve their unfulfilled longings and, instead, start holding each other closely as they experience them." 

Out Stealing horses by Per Patterson

My sister recommended this book!  I started reading it just yesterday so I am only a few pages in but so far I'm loving the tone and the slow, unfolding nature of its prose. It's a Norwegian novel about an older man reflecting on a transformative summer, and so far, the way that the story is revealing itself to be intricately woven is so delicious. 

We Should All Be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

This is a tiny book based on her TED talk and I ran through it in about an hour or less. There is nothing revelatory here at this point in time, but it's worth reading for her voice and her stories. 

Let me know if you're reading anything spectacular!  

Unrelated, but in the category of "What I'm Listening To", I went to a Sufjan Stevens concert this past week and that was its own kind of bath for the soul. I really connected with his most recent album so I love that I got to see this particular concert. He was amazing, all the musicians were so talented and this baby kicked and moved around THE ENTIRE TIME.

THE IMPORTANCE OF TAKING A BREATH

I've been in a strange sort of headspace the past few days. No apparent reason except maybe the constrictions of a busy non-stop schedule feeling a bit like a vise on my mind (my soul?)... and a tad more sleep might be nice. 

I'm not one that naturally loves routines, but have come to love it and thrive on it because of how it allows me to be efficient and organized - all that good stuff. But often what gets me out of an emotional rut is a break from the routine, something to swivel me out of my chair and allow me to look upon the whole world with a renewed perspective.

Yesterday morning I woke up earlier than I usually do, before anyone else in the house was awake, and had some quiet time. Quiet time as in just that, being quiet and alone. And quiet time as in letting my prayers be the loudest thing happening at that moment. I peeked outside and it was an amazing spring morning - crisp and brand new being the adjectives that come to mind - and I ran out to the grocery store to pick up a few things before the hustle of the morning routine had to start.  I listened to Nicole Nordeman on the way back, and started going through her Woven and Spun album, which brought me right back to 2005 and all of those private quiet times I had during that period of my life. I felt whole remembering what it was like to simply enjoy being in love with something so much bigger than me. No deep explanations or analysis, just reveling in the feeling of being held and surrounded. 

There are times, like this week, when things feel hysterically busy and the solution seems to be to press on the accelerator a bit harder, but then you can feel that something is not quite right so instead you take a breath and slow down. Sure, that 30 minutes between a hectic dinner time and having to leave the house again could be filled with a few more things from the to-do list, but at the expense of what? Instead, let me choose to sit down next to my daughter, ask her a few more questions about her day, gaze out the window to count how many different shades of green I can see on the trees, and be still. 

 

WHAT SLOANE SAID....IN APRIL

Carrying Sloane for 10 months, giving birth to her, nursing her - all of those things - is probably one of the biggest and greatest things I've ever done.  But when I see how funny and smart and delightful she is right now as a person developing into her own, it's really hard to imagine that I had anything to do with it. It seems more like magic, some sort of miracle that she is how she is and I often feel like one of my main jobs as a mother is to observe this creature in wonder and just enjoy her as much as I can.

April 5
While watching a short animated video about the story of Easter, we saw a scene where a few days before his crucifixion, Jesus washes his disciple's feet. Later on, we saw a scene where people were running and dancing in the street with joy because they heard that Jesus had risen, and I asked "Sloane why are all these people happy?"
She replied, "Because their feet are clean!"

April 6
"Mom, Are you wearing a tall dress (I was wearing a maxi dress) and a yellow cardigan? I like it!"

April 7
Every morning, "is it warm outside ?"

April 9
"Mom, I saw there was a white truck and it bonked another car! And then it had to put on a bandaid to fix it."

April 10

"I want baby sister to come out now!"

April 13
Every night: "Let's cuddle!"

April 14
"Let's sing together! sing with me mama!"

April 15
"Eyore needs a bandaid..."
"Sloane, I don't think a bandaid will stick to him."
"....Mom can you get a pretend bandaid for him then ?"

April 17
I've introduced lots of different kinds of milk to her so we get a variety - cow's milk, almond, coconut, soy - and one day she asked,
"Mom do we have cows' milk ?"
"No, we just have almond milk and soy milk right now."
"I want soy milk."
"Ok."
"Mom, it's hard to say soy."

April 19
During her bath, "Mom I saw in the book Jesus washed people's feet!  I want to wash your feet."

April 20
And a couple of days later in the bath again, "Mom, Jesus washes our feet !"
"Yes Jesus washed his disciples feet, do you know why he washed feet ?"
"....Because their feet was dirty!"

Then,

"..Why are people's feet dirty mom?"

"Because the people were walking on the streets where there were a lot of mud and dirt."
A few minutes later,
"What about God? Does God wash the people feet too?"

April 24
After I picked her up from daycare one day,
"I'm so happy to see you Sloane!"
"I'm so happy to see you too, mom!"

April 25
She asks me what all sort of words mean - view, out of tune, harvest, trouble, suite, etc... And I'm often laughing at myself for the way I try to explain some of these things to her.

April 26
More tough questions from Sloane:
Why is the head in the middle?
Why do I have two grandmas?
Why does an elephant have a trunk?
Why does a lion not have a trunk ?

April 27
I went into her room one morning to wake her up. She smiled with her eyes closed when she heard me come in but her eyes stayed closed. I crept into bed with her to hold her. After a few minutes, With her eyes still closed, but with an obvious struggle, she said, "mom, I'm trying to open my eyes."

April 28
A few months ago, she started saying, "I'm sorry" of her own accord, and it still surprises me and makes me melt each time. I can't help marvel at the conversations of reconciliation we can have right now. 

One time, she was refusing to put on her clothes so after a few minutes of tears I told her that I was going to go get ready and that she would have to wait until I came back. When I returned a few minutes later, she was sitting quietly on the floor holding the clothes and said, "I'm sorry mommy, I'll put my clothes on now."  "Thank you for obeying mom, Sloane, and I forgive you. Im sorry for getting frustrated, do you forgive me?" "Yes," she replied and we hugged and cuddled for a while before heading into the rest of the morning.

Another time, we were in the dressing room, and I told her not to open the dressing room door several times but she was in one of her silly moods, terribly distracted and proceeded to open the door. She must have realized what she has done because she tried to quickly close the door again and one of her fingers for wedged in the door (not all the way) which must have hurt and snapped her out of her silly mood. She immediately started wailing, and I checked her finger to make sure it was okay and comforted her. When she stopped crying, I asked her, "Sloane did you disobey mom by opening the door?" "Nooo," she said and started crying again. "Did I tell you to not open the door?" "No!" More crying. She was having a hard time calming down so I gathered our things and headed to our car. In the car, we were both quiet, and after a few minutes, I heard her small voice in the back, "I'm sorry mommy." "Why are you sorry Sloane?" "I'm sorry for disobeying." We talked about what happened and I told her that I wasn't angry, and that I just get sad when she disobeys. Her eyes teared up as we talked but she quickly wiped them away and we gave each other big smiles and proclaimed we should move on to the next adventure.

HOLDING ON TO SUNNY DAYS

I have this whole new appreciation of parks now that I have a toddler*. I notice parks everywhere I go and I find myself rating them and collecting them in my mind for us to go explore.   Thanks to our friends, I discovered a new park close to our house the other week and went to go check it out with a few of Sloane's friends after work.  It thrills me down to my toes that there is an extra hour of daylight after work these days because that means I can pull off things like an hour in the park before it gets dark. 

(* I said 'toddler' up there but that doesn't seem right; I'm constantly noticing these days how she seems entirely like a little girl now - limbs, affectations and all...)

I was meaning to post these park photos days ago, but then this week was just kind of a big fat UGH. I kind of hit a brick wall in regards to any kind of the usual momentum that gets me through the week and even the smallest of tasks seemed exhausting. Then on Wednesday I walked out of work to find that I had a flat tire. Which isn't a big deal, I mean it happens all the time right? But somehow, the combination of the facts: that Sloane had to be picked up before daycare closed, that the car didn't have a spare, that I wasn't sure if we had any roadside assistance and that Ken was out of town - resulted in what seemed to be a catastrophic event. Thank the heavens for friends; friends who are willing to pick Sloane up and watch her while I figure things out, friends who come from all the way across town with their own baby to help me figure out what to do and give me a ride home and then pick me and Sloane up the next morning to give us a ride...I don't know what I would have done otherwise! I had to leave the car at work overnight, so the next day I got the car towed to a dealership and then used Uber to go pick it up when it was ready.  Guys, I have a newfound love and that love is Uber. I had used it in other cities and heard that it had come to Richmond but didn't really believe it until yesterday. I downloaded the app and it was so easy that I was stunned. The guy came in 5 minutes, he was incredibly nice and gave me a free ride since it was my first time. The experience was as if I had gotten a pleasant ride from a nice stranger ...and that shined some more light into this soul. What is it about good encounters with strangers? It really does do the thing of restoring faith in humanity. 

And funny! how this seeming catastrophe and the people who helped pull me through gave me a second wind....life lesson alert! Noted. 

Anyways, as I was saying...savoring things like bits of sunlight, friendships, and looking for signs summer are the propellers for me being able to mosey through these weeks, and here are some more of those photos:

The warm glow lasted all over 20 minutes but we basked in it while it lasted. 

I have this strange sense that the expanse of time happening all at one moment when I look this photo: I see what they looked like when they were newborns, I see their faces now, and I see what they might be like years down the road.

These gaggle of babes make me clutch my heart. Look at them ladies flocking around little Isaac! 

And a few more photos that I took over the past couple of weeks when the weather was at its best.  I've been checking the weather obsessively, like I do, and it looks like next week is finally going to be my kind of spring weather and hopefully stay that way.  A few weekends ago, it got up to mid-80s and all of a sudden I had to have ice cream in a cone. We made it happen and Sloane got to have an ice cream cone all to herself for the very first time and she couldn't have been more pleased about it. 

It's safe to say, what helps get me through the week is the promise of an ice cream cone at the end of it!

I saw a watermelon at the grocery store the other day and I thought, can you do watermelons in April? I employed my best watermelon-picking skills and brought one home, and to both of our delights, it was a good one. We feasted on watermelon that day on the porch, watermelon juice dripping down our chins and the promise of summer just around the corner...

BELLE ISLE IN THE SPRING, VIDEO!

I made a video of our afternoon at Belle Isle from the other weekend if you want to see. Richmond's river spots are one of the reasons we love this city; here's to many more trips to the river this spring and summer!

THINGS I WANT TO MAKE AND EAT

Here are some things that have been on my mind that I want to make.... and eat!

I can't wait to try this Creamy Caprese Quinoa Bake and I always want Green Juices

I want to eat all the strawberries! As we get into strawberry season, I'm eyeballing Fresh Strawberry Pies and Strawberries & Cream Overnight Oats. 

These Greek Yogurt Fudgesicles are on the top of my list for the warmer weather, and I want to make these Skillet S'mores and eat out of the skillet with a spoon on the couch while I watch Bloodline. 

SPRING AT BELLE ISLE

I cannot express enough how much seeing all the green on the trees and noticing the bright flowers in bloom is doing for this wrinkled soul of mine. I didn't even realize how wrinkled, until I can feel it unravel, stretch and straighten out every time it meets a warm spring breeze.

At church on Sunday, I watched the leaves blow in the wind and sun flirting with the trees outside the window during the sermon and that almost did as much for me as the message.

There have been colder days, and the mornings are still brisk, but then there are days like last Saturday, where it is so warm you need to be barefoot somewhere outside and ice cream cones are an absolute necessity.  We did both those things, starting with our first ice cream cone of the year, and then going on a long, long walk, and then dipping those bare feet into icy cold river water. Our sun-drenched bodies slept well that night..

PREGNANCY #2: 7 MONTHS

Since we first found out about the pregnancy, I have experienced a whole range of emotions and thoughts.  Here are some the different phases: first, it was elation and pure excitement. Then, a strange sort of guilt (this one is hard to explain but it had something to do with bringing another baby into the world that already has so many children that need homes and families), which eventually resolved into a peace and joy.  Then came the nausea and exhaustion, and then several rounds of a cold that just wouldn't quit.  Then came relief at not being sick or exhausted (around the beginning of the second trimester).  Then I started thinking about how another baby was going to make it that much harder for me to pursue anything on the side having to do with my passions or hobbies, which then swung into giddy excitement about holding a newborn babe in my arms again.  Then I started fantasizing about Sloane and this baby together, and thinking about how great Sloane would be as an older sister.  This started all of my thoughts and prayers and hopes for what our family will look like as a family of four. And then most recently, my thoughts are wrestling with what it will mean to be a mother of two with this current job that I have.  It's not the most flexible of jobs and if I thought juggling a work-life balance during that first year with just one baby was rough, it's hard to grasp what it will be like with two....

So that's where I am right now. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the change that will come in regards to going back to work and trying to do life with two kids, while still maintaing the quality of life.  To be honest, I can't help fantasize about what it would be like to have the first year of this baby's life off of work - mostly because of breastfeeding (I hate pumping, I hate it) - and because it just makes sense, in the world of motherhood that you would be taking care of your baby at all times during their first year of life.  But that is not what makes sense for the workplace apparently, and I keep telling myself that I made it through with Sloane's first year- I'll just be more experienced at it this time around.  I am getting really good at self-pep talks.

This past month, I had a lot of back pain. It was probably a combination of some growth spurts and the fact that it's getting uncomfortable to be sitting at a desk for 8-9 hours a day. I try to take breaks and walk around during the work day but it gets so busy sometimes I don't even get to take a lunch break, which leaves my back aching. Taking walks do help though, as does working out, which is why I've started to look forward to my crossfit workout that much more. I usually end up feeling great afterwards, thanks to the combination of endorphins and all the mobility.

This past month,  Ken and I got to spend some time really connecting. We had a period of days where we stayed up for hours just talking (one time until 2:30 AM and it was a weekday!) and I have never felt closer to this life partner of mine. We are experiencing a sweet time of being kind and intimate to each other, learning how to respect and support each other even more than before and continually working on our communication and connection. We've also danced a lot recently, which is just an extra bonus.  I think I've fallen in love with my husband all over again this past month.

This past month, the baby is moving so much more, all the time.  It's getting to the point where some kicks and movements are uncomfortable - they are so big and insistent.  But I love it.  I feel a warm squeeze around my heart when I imagine the tiny baby moving around in there, growing and absorbing everything around her. I love you so much already, baby. 

This past month, everytime Sloane sees my bare belly while I'm changing, she squeals with delight and yells, "Baby!!" And then runs over to give my belly a hug and a kiss. It is the best thing. She also has been saying, "I want baby sister to come out now!"  And I remind her to be patient for just a while longer, even though I'm with her....

Just for fun: 7 months the last time around!

KEN AND SLOANE DANCING

I was in a crabby mood on my way home on Friday - it had been a really long day, my back was aching, my eyes were burning and I was just feeling out of sorts.

And then I walked into the house to this....

HAPPY WEEKEND! AND MORE PHOTOS FROM EASTER

I noticed this morning that it has been over a year now since I started my bullet journal! I'm terribly pleased about it - it's a joy that only other nerdy journal keepers can understand. 

 I also had the thought today, is the pain of the work week worth it to have the soaring high feeling of, 'TGIF!!!! It's the weekend!!!!'  This feeling wouldn't be as exhilarating if everyday was painless, right ? Right ?  

I hope we all fly high on the knowledge that it is a Friday and enjoy the heck out of this weekend. We have plans to do some dancing at a birthday party tonight, run errands, put up shelves, and spend some time outdoors tomorrow. It's supposed to be in the 80s tomorrow and Sloane and I are very excited about another short-sleeve and sandal weathered day. 

Can we stand some more photos from Easter weekend?  I almost forgot about these - we took them after we got back from church on Sunday a few weeks ago. If it looks like we are drenched in spring sun and reveling in the aftermath of church service and full stomachs, it's because we were. 

It's true. I am madly in love with this little family of mine. 

THE INEXHAUSTIBLE VARIETY OF LIFE

What a weekend! I'm still reeling a little bit from the past few days and the transition into Monday was rough, to say the least. "We did it!" Ken and I said to each other Sunday night as we got ready for bed, and both wished upon all our lucky stars that we had an extra weekend day to recover before being thrown back into the work week.  No such luck, but we went to bed exhausted in the way that really fortunate people get exhausted, stuffed with friends and family and celebrations, and then woke up next to each other, for a 10 minute in-between-snoozes morning cuddle that made the Monday morning a little sweeter.

I came across this collection of quotes from The Great Gatsby today and as I read through them, I came across a few that seemed appropriate and fitting to some of my recent days and thoughts:

"There are only the pursued, the pursuing, the busy and the tired."

"They had never been closer in their month of love, nor communicated more profoundly one with another."

"I was within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life."

Absolutely enchanted these days! and only repelled in the sense that I fantasize about a week of sleep.  And I feel compelled to write down how enchanted I was by this weekend's variety, indulge me, will you?

On Friday night, my sister was in town and we got to have a quick dinner together before going our separate ways for errands and we pretended that this is what life would be like if we lived in the same town and had the luxury of dinners to catch-up in person. Eunice eemo please come around more!

High school friends with their babies! Our friend Caroline got married this past weekend and with friends flying in from New York and California, we got together for a brunch to gush at the babies and just enjoy the fuzzies of being in each other's presence.  Sloane stayed at home with my MIL that morning but if I had brought her, we could have lined up the kids and been like, "look at what we made!!" and patted ourselves on the back about it.

The wedding was later that afternoon and here we are, dressed up, excited and sore.  Ken had done an intense workout that morning, and I was still sore from my workout a few days ago. Don't worry, we worked it out on the dance floor later that night, but then I developed some cramping from all the enthusiastic dancing and then I guess I got the baby all riled up because she proceeded to keep moving and kicking in incessantly for the rest of the weekend....

Caroline was such a beautiful bride and we all had so much fun celebrating the bride and groom.

Baby faye might be Sloane's favorite baby and we got a visit from Faye and her parents on Sunday, to Sloane's delight. Sloane peered at her, gave her stuffed animals, read to her and wanted to sit next to her in the car. So sweet!

We picked up pie and had lunch outdoors on what turned out to be a perfect spring afternoon. It's rainy and cloudy all week but I'll put up with it, as long as the weekends are sunny!



Sunday afternoon found us at a birthday gathering for this special boy, Os, and all of us, grownups and kids, decompressed under the setting sun, rolling around, eating treats and cake, talking and enjoying each other's company. It was a great end to the weekend!

One more Gatsby quote to leave you with:

"And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer."