WINTER BEACH

Wasn't this past weekend's weather absolutely glorious?!

We went down to VA beach to visit and celebrate Ken's moms birthday and we were all pleased to pieces about how nice the weather was.  After a really pleasant breakfast at a oceanfront diner with Ken's sister, we meandered over to see the water. 

The beach was serene, pristine and beautiful. It's a completely different scene, the beach in the winter, and with the sun shining and crisp wind blowing like it did, it felt like a different planet altogether. As we drove away I had the feeling that my innards (my soul?) had gotten a fresh scrubbing. It's just what my winter weary soul needed. 

VIDEO: TELLING SLOANE ABOUT BABY

We found out the gender of the baby last week, and on Saturday we had a little family meeting. (Our entire conversation was much longer but I cut it down to the summary version.) 

P.S. I asked her about whether she has a baby in her stomach because starting a couple of months ago (way before we started talking to her about the baby), she started saying that she had a baby in her stomach, and that her baby was a tiny mouse. We suspect she overheard something about babies in mom's bellies.

P.P.S. I have since told her that when she was a baby she was in mom's stomach and she grew and grew and then came out and kept growing and now she is big and strong. She really took to this idea and keeps repeating this over and over. 

P.P.P.S. 'Sue' is the name of one her beloved dolls at daycare.

WHAT I'M READING

I am back in the reading swing of things!

Nothing makes me happier than to know I have good books to read and maybe because of just that, I have found myself  in the midst of four books that I am really liking a lot and eager to plow through.

(Let me know if you've read any of these and what you thought of it!)

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing, by Marie Kondo

I kept seeing this book popping up as recommendations by designers and since one of my resolutions this year is to simplify, I picked it up.  Kondo proposes the notion that a dramatic organization of the home causes dramatic changes in lifestyle and perspective and that when you put your house in order, you put your affairs and past in order, too. She suggests that you start by discarding, and that is what I plan on doing. I started a few weekends ago by going through my closet, and it felt so good to get rid of the things I know I won't use again and drop them off at the goodwill. I'm planning on going through the other parts of the house like this - shoes, makeup and beauty products, kitchen stuff, books, craft supplies, baby stuff, another sweep through my closet, etc. and I'm reading this book along the way for inspiration. 

An Altar in the World, by Barbara Brown Taylor

Barbara Brown Taylor is my mom's favorite preacher (professor, author, theologian) and before this book I had read articles or heard sermons by her, sourced from my mom's recommendations. This is my first book by her and I can already tell it's going to be the first of many.  This is the primary book I'm reading right now, with Marie Kondo's book interspersed in now and then.

In the introduction, Taylor talks about how people are willing to look all over the place to look for More in their life, but that the last place people look is right under their feet, in the everyday activities, accidents, and encounters of their lives.  She says that, "The treasure we seek requires no lengthy expedition, no expensive equipment , no superior aptitude or special company. All we lack is the willingness to imagine that we already have everything we need. The only thing missing is our consent to be where we are." BOOM.

Department of Speculation, by Jenny Offill

The book is a portrait of a marriage and it's a walk through what it means to be a wife, mother and artist. It's made up of fragments, but the sentences are whole and the emotions, vivd. For this book, I get the sense that being able to observe way the words sit on the page and lean together in a sentence is almost as vital as taking in the beauty of the prose. I read a few pages and then immediately put it down because I knew I wanted to designate a time and place to focus on just reading through it. It's a really short book and can be read in an hour, apparently, so my plan is to set aside an hour when I know I won't be interrupted and read it all in one long sip.

Yes Please, by Amy Poehler

I only have gone a few pages past the introduction but I'm interested; mostly in her perspective as a woman in the world of comedy and entertainment, but also because I like her, and I like how she seems both strong and kind, while being successful.  I'm also paying attention to her tone, because so much of it is self-deprecating, and I'm reading in the way that one listens to a story told by a new friend about their lives, for its inspiration, lessons and hindsight.

WHAT SLOANE SAID......IN JANUARY

We brought home a blue balloon the other day from a birthday party and Sloane was in love. It had helium in it so it hung in the air and she wanted it tied to her arm and then her foot, and then she wanted it tied to the appendages of her stuffed animals. The next morning, when the helium had left the balloon and we came across it laying on the floor, she looked puzzled and asked, "the balloon isn't sticking up in the air?" And I tried my best to explain what helium was, unsuccessfully. When we got back home that night she picked up the balloon and commenced a most glorious came of throwing the balloon up and then hitting it  up so it wouldn't touch the ground. She did this for about 15 minutes while I cooked dinner, never once losing steam, getting sweaty in the process and with the attitude of utter joy. The whole time, she kept saying, "Mommy, look!!" I responded as often as I could, expressing excitement to match hers, but I was preoccupied, and after the 30th, 'mom, look!' I started losing steam and had to tell her that I needed to finish cooking her dinner.  

Later in bed that night, I thought about this. About the way she squealed, "mommy look!!" with such delight and conviction each time, convinced that what she was calling my attention to would blow my mind, because in her mind she was doing something so exciting and awesome that it just had to be shared.  It's moment like these where I marvel at the difference between her world and mine; with our two perspectives, moments like these are both small and huge at the same time. It's a privilege though, isn't it? That I get to be invited into her moments of magic, so that I can willingly (and sometimes unwillingly), experience it for myself, and mostly importantly, at least for now, that she finds me an absolute imperative purveyor of her world.

I've been jotting down moments with Sloane that I don't want to forget, and I'm glad that I do, because even reading over these now, it feels like long time ago even though these all happened in the month of January.  I'll share some here because they are gems. 

Jan 2

The way she imitates what I do is always funny. Today she gave me food to eat ("food time!" she announced), told me I  had to eat it all, asked if it was delicious as I pretended to eat pretend food, and told me that I would get an apple if I finished it all.

Jan 4

"Mom I have to tell you something!"

I come up to her and she holds my head with both of her tiny hands and whispers into my ear, "ummmm..."

It's the best feeling, having her whisper into my ear.

Jan 5

"Sloane I love you so much!!"

"Thank you mommy!....I love you so much too!"

Jan 6 

Sloane: "Where is ba sheep's polka dot blanket?"

Me: "I'm not sure."

Sloane: "Maybe it's downstairs! On the bench. We'll see."

Jan 8

We had so many conversations today.

Some of the compelling conversation topics: how someone pushed her at daycare and a teacher helped her up, how it was someone's birthday and she ate a cupcake, about planes, about Korean words, about where people are driving to in their cars, about the moon. 

Jan 14

'Did you have any dreams ?' I asked her.

'Yes!' She said enthusiastically.

"What were they about?" (I don't know if she actually understands the concept of dreams)

"Kitty cats!"

And then after a moment, she surprised me by asking,

"Mom, did you have dreams last night?" 

"Yes, I did!" 

"What your dreams?@

"I dreamed about music."

She thinks about it. "No, mom you dreamed about dogs."

Jan 16

Often, she designates herself as a particular baby animal and me as the mama animal. Then we act accordingly. Frequent appearances are puppy and kitty, lion, reindeer, near and zebra. I asked her what noises zebras make and she said they go, "eeeeeeeeeee!" 

Jan 20

There are a few words that she says incorrectly .....and I love it because it is just so cute. Instead of 'knock knock' she says 'tonk tonk!' And instead of 'pretend' she says, 'titend'.

Jan 21

She loves a good dance party and will often announce that she wants to dance. She asks for music, and then she will pull out this large white styrofoam board, lay it down and then proceed to dance on it. Wholeheartedly. She is getting more and more creative and discovering dance moves as she goes: twirls, gallops, leg lifts...

Jan 23

Me: " I'm just a little bit tired .."

Sloane: "mommy, you're not big tired, you're just a little tired ?"

Jan 25

I love that she wants to cuddle with me, and her sleepy hugs when she wakes up, is some of my favorites.

Jan 28

She finds analogies between the appearances of things that are so funny. She has a yellow duck towel, and recently when she is wrapped up in it, she's been calling it her banana coat. She has also been calling the crescent moon, 'banana moon' and the full moon, 'apple moon'. 

Jan 29

She read me a book by having me sit in front of her, and her turning the book towards me so I could see the pictures. As she went through each page, making up things as she went, I responded with "mmhmms" to let her know I was paying attention. After a few pages, with a sterness she must have gotten from somewhere, she said, "No 'mmmhmmm', mama, please be quiet because I'm reading you a book!"

GOODBYEEEE TO JANUARY

It was one of those weekends where I look back and I'm all, wow, we fit all those things in there? We cleaned the house, I got some work done, Ken had friends over for weightlifting garage games (we made a video of some of the footage here), went to church this morning, got our grocery shopping done, went to a 2 year old's birthday party, caught some of the super bowl, and did some cooking for the week. It was a hard wake and roll out of bed and house this morning but I did it (!) and feeling refreshed to take on the weekday's task. 

We are now in February and I am so relieved to have another month of winter behind me. There are lots to look forward to this month, it's a short month, and once we are out of February, I'll be running towards that light at the end of the tunnel. 

To say goodbye to January, I'm going to gather up the photos I took of various things over this past week, which was a strange week, for many reasons. 

First, the week started with a beautiful Sunday. 50 degrees, sunshine and a brunch at a friend's house in the outskirts of the city. They recently moved to this beauitful property and we had ourselves a great time eating and then taking a walk outdoors.

Sloane was a big fan of the small pool they had because it meant she could feed the fish. After the other kids ran off, I noticed she was still sitting there, concentrating hard on something so I walked over and asked what she was doing. She was picking up the tiny fish pellets that had dropped, one by one, and trying to hold them all in her tiny fists.  Our friends have a small dog and when my friend had said that the dog can't eat the fish pellets, Sloane said she wanted to make sure there was none on the ground so that the dog wouldn't eat it and get sick.  

Then on Monday, it got cold again and on Tueaday..we woke up to snow. It was a light dusting, but there it was. And it happened to be the perfect kind of snow for snow ball making. We only stayed outside for a few minutes but we made a good amount of snowballs and practiced throwing them against the trees and the house.

This was her exact face after I told her we had to go inside.

And then Sloane had a freak fever. I say freak fever because I have no idea what caused it, but it remained for two days and I was worried but Sloane had no other symptoms and also happened to be in a great mood the entire time.  Due to said fever, she had to stay home from daycare and since Ken also happened to get terribly sick at the same time, it meant I stayed home with Sloane , but also had to work remotely because I couldn't take time off. It was an interesting three days. If you have had the experience of working a 8 hour day at home, answering tons of emails and getting projects done while trying to entertain, feed and manage a toddler, you know what I mean.

Lots of coloring and book reading was always a part of each day. As was dancing.

On one of the days, she wanted to wear her owl mask and wings, her reindeer skirt with her bunny shirt and her kitty cat shoes with her pink kitty socks. She loved this outfit and kept that mask on the whole day.

Her fever finally broke and on Friday we were back to the norm, with a hurried breakfast and rushing out the door. This was her stance that morning.

I've had a hankering for pie that won't quit. This was day two of a visit to Proper Pie. Chcocolate raspberry pie with whipped cream and cherry and almond tart, pictured here.

How lucky am I that I get to cuddle with this hilarious and smart bundle of joy all winter? February, bring it on!

A SORT OF ESSAY ABOUT HOME

My sense of home was never based on a house or a building. We moved around a lot when I was younger, and because of that my idea of what a home had more to do with my family than it did any sort of physical structure. We had also made a big move across the world when I was about 12, to South Korea, and this experience gave me the perspective that home could truly be anywhere in the world. As long as my family and I were connected and I could return to them, I was willing to go anywhere, lay my head on any sort of bed and make a temporary home in any place. That somehow grew into me getting excited about the prospect of finding a new place to visit and make my home - whether it be for a short vacation or an extended stay - it always seemed like an adventure. 

As I grew older and had more adventures, I noticed something else - I had bouts of nostalgia for places I had been, and since the places were many, I found myself getting nostalgic about so many places, instead of just one or two places.  Since I attach a lot significance to each place I go, it ends up being embedded into my soul in a way that makes those memories feel like home.  This could probably be defined as a transitory nostalgia, and I don't think they are any less real or significant - each of those places and memories are formidable and influential - but now that I'm older, married, a mom, and a homeowner, I find myself trying to define home in an even deeper way:  what does it means to nurture a place, to nest, to trust in the lines that have fallen for me?

Since we moved into our home two and a half years ago, I have grown to love it more and more. It's the longest that I have lived in one place since the end of high school almost 12 years ago, so it's significant. And I love it in a different way. It extends now to the fact that this home has been the place where friends and family has visited and stayed, where we first brought our daughter, where we have built a fire pit, a deck and a gym - all with the purpose of spending more time with each other and our people. Over the years, living in this space, I have found myself concerned with creating a physical sense of home - not because it is the end all - but because with responsibilities and to-do lists and the whirlwind of life, the physical home has become a symbol reminding me of things like rest, hospitality, rituals, and finding purpose in the small and daily. 

A few weeks ago when we were visiting NYC, my parents and my sister spent an afternoon visiting one of our old homes in Tenafly, NJ. We all agree that it was the place of some of our favorite times. Tenafly is a small town with great school system and our days were filled with playing outside, walking to school, the library, to the park, to the store. During our recent visit, I saw with newfound eyes - specifically, a parent's eyes - how this kind of place met a bunch of the characteristics I was hoping for my future life with kids. I've always harbored fantasies about living in a big city, but that is not Ken's pot of jam. And while I never imagined myself in a small town, one of the main things that was appealing to me about the city - being able to walk everywhere - I could see could be possible in a small town.  An even bigger bonus if a big city is nearby.

I'm not saying I want to move to a small town, or setting anything in stone just yet, but it's becoming pretty obvious that I'm thinking hard about what I want our family's life to look like 5, 10, 15 years down the road. As we reminisced our way through our old town, I started imagining what it would be like to live there, as an adult with kids. It was strange, but not unpleasant.  These photos are of us taking nostalgic pictures of places that will probably only be meaningful to us, but here they are nonetheless. I wish I had taken some photos of the center of town, it is so adorable and picturesque.

Now that I'm looking ahead to what our life with 2 kids might look like, I'm having a lot of thoughts about what I want not just our home, but what I want our family life, our day-to-day life to look like. I'm thinking about what it means to prioritize time with family over the hundreds of other directions that life pulls out, about making time to eat and cooks slowly, about access to outdoor play, good books and the arts, and how to minimize excess stress factors. I'm making notes and discussing with Ken about the things that one most important to us as a family.  I want to be intentional about casting a vision for our family and our home life. Intentionality makes me have to check into what I believe the purpose of our lives are, and this is a reminder that puts wind in my sails.

I am ever so grateful for the lessons of home that I've learned along the way.  That I felt safe and secure enough with my family that I could call any place my home, that my parents taught me the importance of building my identity on an everlasting foundation and not a physical one,  that my travels and my 20's taught me the joy of what it means to return home, that I married a man who so values a home, that my community of family and friends have defined for me what makes a warm home, and that my daughter and our coming addition make me glad for the space to nurture, grow and play.  

WHAT WE ATE

I posted this post a while back about how we do our weekly meals, and for the most part we still do something similar now, but with a little more variety from week to week. However, this past week, Ken was away for work and I decided to go rogue.  Ken and I usually end up eating some sort of fish or meat at every meal, but I wanted to take a break from that and decided to incorporate other protein sources that Ken isn't usually a fan of, like beans, quinoa, hummus and yogurt.  Besides eggs, and the meatballs for Sloane for one of her lunches, the only animal product we had was chicken. And we ate a TON of vegetables. I stuffed us to the brink with nutrients. 

I took a photo of each meal we ate for the sake of documentation and here they are; I haven't decided if it was crazy or brilliant to do this. I think I'll come down on the side of brilliant when I'm having one of those weeks where I can't think of what to cook and I'll have catalogues like this to refer back to. 

(P.S. Along with the the main meals, I'm constantly eating smaller meals throughout the day at work: fruit, nuts, tea, leftovers, the occasional gummy bears... And Sloane and I usually have some fruit after our dinner.  Just to clarify that this is what we are but it's not all we ate.) (P.P.S. The key to my sanity in regards to meals is planning. I plan out exactly what we are going to eat at each meal, and what I was going to pack for our lunches, and shopped accordingly. I also take some time to prep- for this particular week, on Sunday, I made a big batch of Adobe chicken in the crockpot, a big pot of quinoa and washed and chopped all the vegetables. )

Monday

Breakfast: Yogurt with granola, blueberries, banana, and pomegranate seeds & a side of omelet.

My lunch: Leftover pizza from mellow mushroom and a salad (arugula, orange peppers, red quinoa, walnuts, tomatoes)

Sloane's lunch: Meatballs, Asian sweet potatoes, zucchini.

Dinner: We made vegetable pizza together in a cast iron skillet: red onions, zucchini, tomatoes, mushrooms and yellow peppers.

Tuesday



Breakfast: Scrambled eggs, avocado and toast with almond butter and honey. Side of green juice.

My lunch: Power salad! of arugula greens, quinoa, black beans, red onion, mushrooms, peppers, tomatoes, avocado. Dressing is creamy balsamic.

Sloane's lunch: Sweet potato rounds, hard boiled, leftover veggie pizza from the night before.

Our dinner: Adobe chicken & brown rice. A side of zucchini for her, a side of my mom's homemade kimchi for me.

Wednesday: 

Our breakfast: Yogurt with granola, pears and blueberries. A side of hard boiled eggs.

My lunch: Power salad! (see above)

Sloane's lunch: Adobe chicken and brown rice, sweet potato rounds and green beans.

Our dinner: Carrots with hummus, zucchini sticks with tomato sauce, chicken and rice dumplings.

Thursday: 

Our breakfast: Vegetable frittata (zucchini, red onion, mushroom, red peppers, mozzerella), banana oat bread and green juice. 

My lunch: Power salad! again!  

Sloane's lunch: Carrots, hummus, mini pitas filled with almond butter and strawberry jam. 

Our dinner: Adobe chicken, brown rice, green beans, and sweet potato rounds. 

Friday: 

Our breakfast: Mini breakfast pizzas on mini pita bread (tomato sauce, mozz cheese and scrambled eggs) and leftover frittata.

My lunch: Power salad, yes, again. And that over there on the left is some banana oat bread that I made the night before.

Sloane's lunch: Fried rice, green beans and sweet potatoes.

Our dinner: Fried rice, sauteed spinach, tofu cubes.