OUR BACKYARD

There were grand plans for Saturday morning, at least in my mind.  A family outing, maybe some donuts, a walk - there would be togetherness among saturated bushes of leaves upon trees.

Instead, a series of events led to man and woman of the house getting really stressed out and simmering about it. A little bit of bruised ego, a pinch of worry and a dash of anxiety, boiled underneath the surface.  We took a deep breath.  We made eye contact and talk-walked through it. We explained ourselves and sketched out a plan.  He was transparent and kind.  I thought to myself that if there was a man for me to walk through the valleys with, it had to be this man.

We made it out to get to our errands for that day and when we got back, we all sat outside in our backyard while Rusty flew around as he does and Sloane had her lunch. I pulled out the camera because I wanted to capture the feeling in these images.

It was quiet, as if the world had gotten still so that we didn't have to do anything else but look into the trees and breathe deep breaths until, a trance. The sun was a balm; we were made clean.

(this is Sloane's face when Rusty gets a little too close to her food while she's eating)

SLOANE AT 15 MONTHS

She is learning SO much these days.  It makes me want to cry, and laugh, and pee in my pants all at the same time.  I hope you know what I mean by that.

I don't know if this is actually true things or if i'm just looking for evidence of Ken and I in Sloane's developing personality, but I find myself making lists of the ways she is like her dad and the way she is like me: 
She likes fruit like her mom
She doesn't like egg yolk like her dad
She likes music like her mom
She likes to put things away like her dad
She likes the outdoors like her mom
She likes to dance like her dad
She likes to laugh like both her mom and dad
I like to think that when she gets cranky she is being her like dad...
Ken likes to think that when she is bossy she is being like her mom... 

I see Ken's facial expressions in her sometimes, and then when i'm looking in the mirror, I catch an expression on my face that is undeniably, Sloane's facial expression in my own.

Not only is she the cutest bug, she is helpful as well! She is contributing around the house already by helping me put groceries away, throwing away any trash she finds on the ground, 'sweeping' the floor, putting shoes away and putting laundry in the dryer.  

Since she is so much more aware of things, she is realizing that she has so many more needs to communicate. This means she gets frustrated when we can't understand her, and upset when she can't have x, y, and z and can't quite understand why. I can see these thoughts happen across her face. 

She still loves to be read to but she also takes the book to read to herself now and then, too.  When we read through Dr. Seuss'  ABCs, she sounds out some of the letters with me.
She understands so much more of what we say now. 
She says, 'wow!', 'pease (please)', 'socks', 'eye', 'moa (more)', 'bye', 'hi', 'bu (book)', 'eee (eat)'.... 
She has 'ruh-ruh (rusty)' and 'bababa (papa)' down; i'm still waiting for 'mama'.

The other week she woke up way too early and wanted to get in bed with us.  I brought her in and as she lay next to me, she spent the next half hour just looking at me. stroking my face, rubbing my eyebrows, honking my nose, tugging my ears, feeling my hair .....I was half asleep but I felt her little fingers all over my face and every time I opened my one eye, I could see her deep black eyes looking back me.  

She still snuggles into my neck when I am holding her and singing her a bedtime song - it makes my heart swell up to my throat. 

WHEN AN EVENING IS GRAND BECAUSE OF THE COMPANY YOU KEEP

Today was grey, but it was a soft grey. It was a little bit cool, slightly warm, occasionally drizzly, and soft all around.

Yesterday I don't remember a single thing about, except that I was excited all day to see my friend Amanda who was visiting town for work.  A bunch of ladies got together to say we-miss-you-love-you by way of sweet treats, wine, hugs and baby holding - my favorite kind of nights.

she's fun, funny, and if that isn't one of the best hair cuts i've seen. 

amanda made this BEAUTIFUL doll for baby eden.  i know eden doesn't look impressed, but that's just the face she gets when she's pretending to be robert, her dad.

we were all a little glazed over in our eyeballs from all the sweets we kept licking up

you know, girl talk. 

is that winnie on a plate? why yes, yes it is.

cardamom ice cream between ginger snap cookie sandwiches. geez, that was good.

what a love bunch! 

also, don't these group photos sort of remind you the advertising shot of a 90's TV show? 

(party of five...90210...) 

I'LL TAKE A FEW MORE OF PERFECT FALL WEATHERED DAYS, THANK YOU.

we had visitors come into town this past Sunday and we basically spent the day letting the fall weather saturate our every move.  we started the day off with brunch on a street that has this wall of lush vines that i am in love with and after the food, we let sloane loose upon the sidewalk and she was off, running as fast as her legs would carry, a huge grin on her face, no doubt feeling the sun and the crisp seep into her skin.  i love this wall of lush vines on this street and i like imagining that there is a secret garden hiding behind that wall. i liked thinking that sloane is running around trying to find that garden. 

(family photo by jangeun) 

oysters happened....after they figured out how to open them

i can't say enough about how much i love our backyard trees.
we kept the backdoor and windows open to let in all of the wind.

beef bourguignon and caramels in the making

candy factory - thanks for the tutorial jangeun!

GREEN PASTURES AND QUIET WATERS

 The last weekend of October was a rough one, and I was feeling a little bruised and battered, both physically and emotionally after it all.  Among the trials was a stomach bug that had me bedridden for 36 hours and that first photo above is sloane coming home from daycare with K. right before she came into the room to comfort me and give me hugs and kisses. (The photos below that is Sloane proceeding to love on Rusty later on that weekend, which he tries to bear.)  After the tumult, the week turning October into November was a gentle one, green pastures and quiet waters, if you will. Sleep was sparse, but the weather was friendlier, my mind was quieter in reflection, and my body finally got the kind of exercise that makes the the blood pump life back to all the dark places in my heart and mind. 

I lost two grandmothers this past year. They were very different in personality and spirit, and burned bright in different colors during their lifetime. I've been thinking a lot this past year about loss and how that description seems to describe exactly what it does feel like; as if a part of me left the world with them, because they were a part of my history and my life story, so inevitably, a part of me. A loss isn't truly a loss though, if "death is swallowed up in victory" but it sure feels that way sometimes. Regardless, I will keep believing that all of it- my past, present and future is all swallowed up in victory and so when I am weak, I will rest in that.

I have also been reflecting on the overflowing life that is present in my little one and in the context of death, I can't help think that these two wonderful grandmothers of mine, different and complimentary in how they influenced me, as well as my aunt, who I looked up to so much, are all somehow present in my daughter now.  These women passed down parts of who they were to me and so they are a part of her history too.  It gives me hope. 

These following photos were taken a few months ago, and I never got to post them, but here they are; photos of our little love, bubbling with new life.